Valentine’s Day Tips & Tricks

Valentine’s Day is the most special day of the year. Why, you ask? Because I look really good in red.

In order to keep this day special, here are some Valentine’s Day Tips & Tricks:

1. Guys – DON’T propose to move in together as your “gift” to her on Valentine’s Day. This is no gift. Unless she is 22 years old and has never lived with a guy before, she will find this insulting. Oh great you want to move in with me so we can prolong this dating thing that we’ve been doing for the past 8 years. Great. Just what the Disney movies taught me to want out of life, a guy with commitment issues who wants me to pay for his toilet paper.

2. Ladies – DON’T promise him “favors” that you have never delivered on in the past. This is an awful present unless you’re into that sort of thing. And by “thing,” I mean pleasing him. He WILL come collecting and there are only so many days you can fake a panic attack or slip him Tylenol PM before he catches on.

3. Guys & Gals – DON’T say, “My last girlfriend/boyfriend didn’t eat as much as you do,” while you are out at your special Valentine’s Day dinner. This will only trigger his/her body issues and may just lead to permanent t-shirt time when the lights are out.

4. Guys & Gals – DON’T take your significant other to the casino buffet for your Valentine’s date. Sure the casino is just about the most romantic place on Earth AND he/or sure does love to drop paychecks into nickel slots, but buffets aren’t sexy. A buffet is like Laughlin, Nevada – the place where dreams die. No romance has ever come after all you can eat chimichangas and pudding. Take your date to Ruby Tuesdays and suggest the salad bar so that he/she remains light, inexpensive and awake.

5. Guys – DON’T regift expensive jewelry. So your ex-girlfriend gave you back that heart-shaped pendant from last Valentine’s day, that’s no reason to regift. Instead sell it on Craig’s List. Then take that money and spend half of it on something for your new lady-friend. JCPenney has great Valentine’s deals the day AFTER Valentine’s Day. So fake an illness and make it up to your lady-love by inviting her over to your studio apartment on February 15th. Let’s be honest, judging from your track record with the ladies, you probably won’t be with this one by Easter so start being more fiscally responsible. Use the rest of the money on yourself. Aka – the person who will be with you forever.

6. Guys – DON’T tell your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day that you’re into guys now. This is best saved for St. Patrick’s Day when she is lubricated with spirits and surrounded by a bunch of drunk dudes who will catch her when she falls.

Valentine’s Day Tips:

1. Wear extra deodorant. Love makes you sweaty.

2. If you’ve never drank alcohol before, Valentine’s Day is a great time to start. Tequila makes you feel pretty, but be careful. Too much tequila makes you punch pretty people.

3. Love the one you’re with…until the 15th. Valentine’s Day break-ups are just cruel. Ride it out on a chocolate high.

4. Keep it in your pants. Wait to see if your date will pay for dinner before you break out the old wallet. If neither of you looks willing to pay the bill, put your hands over your mouth and say (in a loudspeaker-type voice) “(Insert YOUR NAME) Please come to the front of the restaurant. You have an urgent call from your eight children.” This will discretely get you away from that pesky bill.

5. If you are not ready to engage in sexy time on Valentine’s Day, kindly decline your date’s offer and instead offer them your last piece of Trident Layers. If you don’t have a piece of Trident Layers, go into the downward dog yoga pose and complain of menstrual cramps and a migraine.

6. If you get bored on your Valentine’s date, politely check your watch (even if you are not wearing one) and say, “It’s time for my appendicitis,” and then slowly walk away.

Happy Love Day!

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