Recently, Americans have become obsessed with Sh*t people say. Each day brings forth a new comedic video about sh*t a certain group of people say. It all started with “Sh*t My Dad Says” and then spiraled into the new phenomenon, “Sh*t Girls Say,” which has inspired many spin-offs. I would praise this video for its funny portrayal of stuff my gender often says if I weren’t horribly jealous that I didn’t think of this idea first.
Therefore, rather than hate on the success of others, I’ve decided to jump on the bandwagon with my own (written) version because reading is a lost art.
Sh*t Co-Workers Say:
You just get back from lunch and he or she hasn’t left the building yet and says: What’s it like out there? **FACT: This is your co-worker’s way of telling you, “I’m slowly dying inside each and every day I am chained to this desk. It’s even affected my ability to initiate interesting communication with my fellow human being. Tonight, I will drown my sorrows in reality television.”
Your lunch smells delicious, he or she says while invading your cube and leaning over and smelling your Lean Cuisine. **FACT: The office is the only place where someone will ever say a frozen meal smells like anything, but a frozen, processed mess you are only eating because Nate Johnson called you fat in 10th grade.**
I can’t wait to get out of here today. **Possible Response: I can’t wait for you to leave either. Why don’t you leave right now? Or move to Zimbabwe. Get yourself a fresh start.**
So what are you up to tonight? **Possible Response: Oh not much. Probably just weeping over a few bowls of buttered noodles and engaging in OCD rituals like pulling out head hairs – one by one – and repeatedly counting Qtips until the voices in my head stop telling me that my husband is having an affair with my high school gym teacher.**
It’s cold in here today. **Translation: “Please ask me about my dog. I just love talking about my dog. He’s my screensaver.**
It’s hot in here today. **Translation: “I sweat a lot. Probably because my mother cheated on my father with an aspiring meteorologist whom she met at a book club.”**
You look nice today. **Translation: “Normally you totally gross me out. Today, not so much, but I still bathe in hand sanitizer every time you walk by.”**
Did you just get here? **Possible Answer: “Of course not. I got here on time. I’ve just been standing in the restroom timing how long each person spent in there. Then I called GoDaddy and bought the domain name: “Abbydoesn’twashherhandsafterdroppingadeuce.com.”**
I think I’m getting sick. **Translation: I plan on spending my night standing in line at the movie theater in order to be one of the first people to see Underworld Awakening in 3D so I will most likely call in sick tomorrow. I like to stand in the doorway area of the theater so that people can’t see me in my latex suit acting out each scene while eating a hotdog.”**
Did you get my email? **Possible Answer: “Yes, I did get your email, but I’ve been really busy blogging about my cat’s arachnophobia and the new diet I plan on trying. For 47 days I am only going to eat off other people’s plates and pray to the Patron Saint of Hello Kitty that I never get as fat as my sister.”**
Picture Commentary Time!
Dan Says: I’m growing out my hair cuz it goes well with the new guitar I just bought. I don’t know how to play the guitar, but I like to hold it while I’m taking a bath.
Julia’s thinking: I wonder if Ricky in Accounts Receivable noticed that I’m wearing lip liner today.
- Five out of five of us aren’t wearing deodorant today.
- This picture is just for our company’s brochure. We’re all models. This company only hires white people.
- We’re having Cheesecake Factory for lunch. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
It can’t be sexual harassment if it feels good.
Bethanny says: You had me at…Can you fax this for me?
Bethanny is thinking: Why is there this stereotype that women in power are emasculating, emotional and difficult to work for?
Kelly says: Don’t act like you’ve never seen midriff, a butterfly belly ring and psoriasis on casual Friday before.