Every day I’m shufflin’ and stalking Facebook to see who is as miserable as I am. During my research, I have found that many Facebook users are unaware that there are rules when it comes to how one showcases his or her romantic relationships online. These rules have been passed down from generations of Myspace and must not be deviated from. Therefore, I believe that a review of these rules are in order so that we are all on the same page when it comes to professing your love in the Facebook world.
Facebook Relationship Rules:
1. Never ever EVER post a vague status update that says: “I’m so in love!” This status just leaves your friends with so many questions. We demand specifics. For example, who would love you? Are you only in love because you have a lot in common? Could her parents not afford to get her braces either? Do tell!
2. Don’t dedicate an entire Facebook album to your love and name it,”My Man.” A few pics are fine, but how many times do we have to see “your man” stretched out on your dirty couch making sexy eyes to the camera while wearing jean shorts, a gold chain and a Tommy Hilfiger t-shirt? Sure, he’s your man and you are very proud to have bagged a guy with only a few misdemeanors, but that’s no reason to make all of us other ladies jealous. So set that album to private so only you can enjoy your man-friend in all his early 90’s fashion glory.
3. If you are 15-25 years old, no kissing profile pictures. This is for your own good. My statistics have found that there is a 97 percent chance that you will not be with that person by the time you hit your 30’s. The three percent that make it are only together because they are bonded by hepatitis C. Thanks be to you cyber-cheating. Amen.
4. Your relationship status should never read: “It’s Complicated.” What’s so complicated about – she left me for the neighbor, but now he’s dumped her for a 19-year-old and she’s trying to move back into our studio apartment because she doesn’t have a job or anywhere else to go? Sounds pretty simple to me. Take her back! Let’s be honest, you really can’t do any better and your back-up plan (aka your second cousin) has moved on and gotten married.
5. If you’re happy and you know it, don’t tell Facebook. Just because you’re happy that doesn’t mean anyone cares. It sounds harsh, but you must come to terms with the fact that most of your Facebook friends are only interested in your misfortune. We’re all just existing to witness the failure around us. It’s in the Constitution and stuff.
6. So you and your significant other have moved in…after you post a million pics of your new house (and you know you will), post a pic of both of your paychecks. We’re all curious to know how you are affording this.
7. Sure we all appreciate you posting pictures of the flowers he just gave you, but we’re more interested as to why he gave them to you? Did he give your computer another virus with all of his naked web surfing? Is he hoping flowers will temporarily stop you from getting drunk and yelling, “Where’s my f*cking ring you asshole?” Or did he simply forget to feed the kids for a week while you were in Iowa visiting your gay sister who you still describe as, “Just going through a phase.” Always make sure to provide a brief description under the photo so we aren’t fooled by some fairy tale that this was just a random act of kindness and love.
8. Couples should never post pictures of themselves together in swimsuits at the beach, unless both of their body mass indexes are extremely high or either of them have had horrific liposuction like Tara Reid. Eat more, tan less and then take pictures and post them.
9. Never, ever post a status update about what a great spouse or man you have. Is he posting status updates like that about you? No. So screw him. He’s too busy secretly chatting with girls he wanted to hook up with in high school, but he was too fat then. But now that he lost the weight and has a full-time gig at Rent-A-Center, he thinks there’s a chance. Don’t post how great he is on Facebook. Instead, hack into his account and check his conversation history. This is a far better way to appreciate your man.
10. If you are a gay couple, disregard all rules and do what you want. Gay is the new interesting.
Yo Spiderdork! When I see this pic, all I think is – Ewwwwwwww he’s drooling in her mouth and he probably pleasures himself to Japanimation.
She’s on her Facebook telling the world how happy and in love she is and he’s on Facebook looking for “straight” guys who just want to cuddle while his girlfriend works nights at Applebees. That’s love.
Ooooooo. Wow. So what you have a delicious cupcake and a boyfriend who loves you? You think you’re better than me!?! My life if pretty awesome too you know. I got lots going on over here – like clean urine that I’m selling to criminals on Craigslist.
Reasons why I love “My Man.”
1. Ain’t no felony gonna stop him from forging his grandma’s checks.
2. He takes care of his kids every other Summer…for one whole week.
3. He stopped asking me to front him some cash when we up on a date in Little Caesar’s.
4. He always vacuums his Chevy Corsica before he picks me up.
5. If I call him crying and threaten to kill myself if he don’t stop at the store and pick me up a pack of Salem Lights, he’ll do it. He’s a sweetie like that.