GIRL POWER and other lies The Spice Girls told us

So tell me what you want, what you really really want. I want uh. I want uh. I want uh. I want uh. I  want uh  really really really wanna hear  real lady advice…

Women’s magazines and female popstars are notorious for giving questionable advice to women around the world. Below I’ve dissected their advice with a truthful spin. Enjoy!

Girl Power Gibberish vs Real Girl Reality:

1. What He’s Thinking…

Rather than reading some magazine’s 5-page, ” in-depth” look  at what  he’s really thinking – let’s sum it up rather shortly.

He’s thinking: Boner, Beverage, Boobs, Balls (downlow guys), Beth (your hot friend), Bouncy, Balding, Birth Control (did she take it?) and Butt stuff. I’m sure I missed a few, but who cares, he’s not listening.

2.  Be Your Best Self/Love Yourself

Yeah sure. I’ll get right to that as soon as I stop reading through your magazine, which is  filled with absolutely no women who I can relate to unless I am somehow reborn in a genetically engineered super sexy womb. I just feel so good after comparing my body to your featured celebrities/models who claim to have simply cut out bread and occasionally use the elliptical machine  in order to get rock hard abs and a 3-foot gap in between their legs. Plus being my best self is a lot of work. I would have to put down this magazine and read an actual book, which will include no photos of a shirtless Ryan Reynolds and never once show embarrassing pictures of average, unsuspecting women in what the writer’s call “hideous” ensembles as these women walk through the streets of NYC.. But don’t worry, they put a thick black box over their victim’s eyes so that no one can recognize them, except for everyone they know.  And I would also have to stop stealing cash from my mom’s wallet in order to feed my addiction to buying material things in lieu of having any real female friends. However, my love for Target and the topics that TMZ reports on, far exceed my want to be “better.”

3. Change Your Diet Today. Be Thin to Win Him!

The Real Deal:  Sometimes Jack in the Box is a necessity. Especially after two bottles of Chardonnay and realizing that your boyfriend is cheating on you with a skinnier girl who finger paints (community college art student) and reads at a 4th grade level (Harry Potter). It doesn’t matter how skinny you are or how many times you lie to him and say, “No no no. You’re not a loser. Lots of people take 10 years to get their associates degree. In fact, I think  Bill Gates’ brother did that. And look at him now, huh? Related to a billionaire. Niiiice” – despite all this, some  guys will not pass up an opportunity to increase the STD population. So eat now, exercise if you want, cut the sizes out of your clothing and claim that everyone woman who is prettier than you is illiterate. My only beauty advice, as long as you whiten your teeth and wipe front to back, you should be fine.

4. He’s Just Not that into you.

Who says? Some dude in his late 40’s who sports spikey hair and tight vests.  No thank you, sir. It’s not over until you break into his home and carve “Why don’t you love me,” into his floor, wall or wife’s side of the headboard. If you haven’t threatened to stop eating, “I’ll do it!” at least 5 times, you haven’t even begun your quest to make that man yours. Crazy gets results. Don’t let some loser who couldn’t even keep a day-time talk show on the air for more than a year tell you when it’s time to give up. The pursuit is long and in the end, make sure to leave a mark. **Consult your therapist or equally insane BFF before drugging him and  tattooing your name on his forearm while he sleeps**

5. Be Honest With Your Man

What? Have these writers ever been in a relationship before? You save the honesty until the end of the relationship. Duh. Every divorced person knows that. And most importantly,  don’t ever be honest about  what you spend your joint money on. That’s why every woman should have kid(s). Then when he asks, “What’s this charge for?”  You simply  reply, “It was for the baby. Do you want the baby to starve or be the only kid at daycare who isn’t wearing jean diapers!?! What kind of father are you?” Then you can spend as much as you want buying bedazzled handbags and paying other women to care for your children and subsequently your husband.  

6. Guys Don’t Marry Bad Girls.

Even if you sleep with all of his friends, including the one with halitosis, he’ll still marry you. He’ll just never have unprotected sex with you. And he’ll spend your entire  relationship calling you fat and hiding your make-up until finally your self-esteem is so low that you wouldn’t ever think of sleeping with another man again. Then 5 years into your marriage, he’ll sleep with one of his buddies during their yearly “Mancation.” It’s not gay if it’s on a boat.

Girl Power!

Oh my God! Did you see Peggy’s engagement ring? The clarity sucks and it’s only 1.25 carats. You’d think a woman who waited until the age of 28 to get married, would demand more. I feel like so super bad for her.

Don’t tell anyone, but Julie has IBS  and her son drinks from the dog bowl. Poor thing.

So….Tammy told Stacy that Amber’s cousin Erin is now a size 22. She saw her at Lane Bryant. But when Tammy saw her, Erin said she was just there shopping for  friend.  Breaks my heart.

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