Pageant moms are getting such a bad rap these days. Since when was it a crime to want your child to be the sexiest 2nd grader in your county?
Instead of criticizing these moms, I decided to actually talk to a few of them to get a better understanding of this misunderstood species of women.
Here is what these pageant moms had to say:
“It’s not my fault. My daughter Kenzie just loves eyeliner. Ever since she was like 3 months old, she’d be digging in my purse trying to line her eyes and smoke my Winstons. It’s just the type of baby she is. I can’t stop her, I’m just her momma.” – Cathy Fendersnap, 26 (looks 39)
“I wish I still had the body I had in 4th grade. I don’t want my daughter to waste her hot years underneath all those kids clothes.” – Sandra Amines, 36 (liar)
“When I see little girls who aren’t in pageants all I think is, your uncle is never going to touch you. It’s so sad. You just miss out on so many opportunities when you don’t do pageants.” -Natalee Burdy, 49 (11th runner-up Miss Photogenic 2009).
“Me and my daughter were on TLC’s ‘Toddlers and Tiaras’ and after that people were claiming that I spray tanned my 9-year-old. Absolutely not. I love my daughter and I would never use that dangerous spray on her. That is disgusting. I am a responsible parent, I painted her with the Sherwin Williams cedar-colored deck stain that my husband had left-over in the garage.” – Nancy McRibbith, 42 (reads at a 5th grade level)
“I just don’t understand where all this criticism comes from. Pageants are a great way for our daughters to become confident, successful human beings. I was in pageants and I turned out great. I started stuffing my bra and starving myself in first grade and now I have great hair-styling skills, two microwaves, a fabulous group of divorced women who I scrapbook with every Tuesday night, four out of my seven kids still talk to me and I’m currently saving up for vaginal rejuvenation. I’d say I’m living the American dream.” -Cybil Olperson, 51 (Only two of her seven kids still talk to her)
“Tons of people told me that I shouldn’t spray tan my unborn baby, but you know what? It’s my body and if they can get the can up there, then why not?” -Marybethany Wilter, 21 (looks 47)
Q&A with the most hated mom in America right now – BOTOX MOM.
Palegurl: What does the father of your child think about you injecting Botox into her 8-year-old face?
“Oh hell na. He’s gone. I’m single and looking to mingle. I’ve not seen his broke ass since Kelly Clarkson won American Idol. I voted for her ass 847 times.”
Palegurl: Do you have front teeth and if so, where do they go when you open your mouth?
“Yes, I have front teeth. I just have very pronunciated lips.”
Palegurl: Some have called you ignorant and uneducated because you are giving your 8-year-old daughter Botox treatments at home. How do you respond?
“I don’t know who the vice president is n shit, but I have my education. I studied for 6 weeks… almost straight to be an esthetician. I worked damn hard at it too. I know all seventy-two bones in the wrist. I’m just so sick of people be assuming I’m dumb. I’m not. I know all about the chemicals and microbiotic cellganisms that are in the Botox. My friend Henry buys it online from Ecuador or Portland. I don’t know for sure ,but it’s someplace far away and I trust him cuz he’s gay so he’s like an expert n shit.”
Palegurl: Some say that what you are doing is trying to live vicariously through your daughter since you appear to be extremely unattractive with no hope of ever appearing ‘doable’ to the opposite sex or even a really lonely, blind and homeless lesbian. How do you respond?
“I kissed my cousin Pammy in 1993, but that don’t make me no lesbian. I got plenty of men up in here and all I gotta do is let them drive my Ford Tempo.”