What NOT to do says me

Everyday, people across our great nation are acting inappropriately in public. Whether it be hugging a cactus because he or she wanted to get the “best” profile pic on the ol’ Facebook page or doing it with a transient in the  Ross Dress for Less dressing room, bad behavior is everywhere.

Here are a few tips for both Guys and Gals  on What NOT to do/say while in Public:

Ladies First:

1. Don’t wear super tight white shorts that you have to pull down by the crotch every couple of seconds. Especially if you are over 40. What’s wrong with a little length? And at your age, you  should know that your baby door needs to breathe. You might as well fall asleep in your wet swimsuit or your tights!

2.  Don’t drop your Dexatrim pills  on the ground and then expect me not to say, “You don’t want to lose those now do you, fatty!?!”

3. Don’t just say you like guns because your latest boyfriend does. No girls like going to the gun range. Guns are boring. Sleeveless t-shirts and machetes are sexy.

4. Don’t go to a club and claim that some guy lifted up your dress. That’s a lie. Everyone knows it’s just a shirt that you refer to as a dress and “lifting it up” just means that you bent over to pick up your morning after pill.


Don’t act like you’re having the best time EVER with your “lady-friends” while out to dinner or at a bar. We all know that given the chance you’d bang any of their boyfriends and sit on their cat. Let’s be real, these bitches are only your friends because the last group of female dogs you ran with de-friended you on Facebook after you got drunk and fondled one of their nanny’s.


Just because you LOVE kitties, doesn’t mean you need to dress up as one EVERY Halloween. Plus don’t try to outsexy kitties. Kitties are sexier than you because they don’t have to medicate their genitals after a “really fun weekend.”


Don’t waste your time cyber-bullying your teenage daughter’s “friends.” You’re an adult so act like one. Instead, cyber-bully your husband’s girlfriend. She’s the one who left her thong in your Camry.


Don’t join a book club under the guise that you just love reading. We all know these groups should really be called, “Because no one else will hang out with us, I guess we’ll pretend to read together.”


Don’t be all emo and try to make a social statement through high school/community college  photography. No, not everyone is beautiful. That’s why some people do a half- ass job dyeing their hair and cake on the black eyeliner. That’s why God invented Hot Topic.  I kid. I kid. Those Hollister kids are just as gross.

Men Second:

1. Don’t talk about working out. We don’t care. Just work out, look good, pay off my student loans and STFU. 


Don’t ever do this. Whatever this is. It’s not right and music shouldn’t be blamed for it. When you do/act like this, the vegans win.


Don’t act old and drunk, but do carry a pen in the front pocket of your shirt. You  never know when they’ll be coming round your friend Bob’s apartment asking you to pay that back child support or sign over your rights to your kids.


Don’t high-five, fist bump or half-hug your guy friends – that’s all weak! If you want to show your dominance, mount every guy you meet from behind. Now that’s hard-core.


Don’t be that guy that’s always complaining about never having a girlfriend or dental insurance. Man-up! Quit randomly chatting with 14-year-old boys on Skype, put a shirt on and brush your teeth. And if all that fails, gay for pay is a very lucrative career-path that will afford you dental insurance and temporary companionship.


Don’t get a pic of your wife tattooed on your arm immediately after you get married. Wait till she loses weight. You don’t want your second wife to think she has the upper-hand in your marriage just because she’s less of a tub-of-lard than your first wife.


Do love cats. Contrary to popular belief, guys who love cats aren’t creepy. Guys who pet your little brother are. But don’t subject that cat to “family” portraits, Cosby sweaters, a rat-tail hairstyle and laser lights just because you are trying to prove that you’re secure in your choice of pet.


Don’t show off or brag because you can take one sip of brown liquor. It doesn’t impress the ladies. You know what does?? Chugging battery acid and then NOT calling 911 when you get sick and start to cry.  HAWT!

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