Ever noticed how politicians and religious leaders always have a way of explaining themselves out of any mess they get into. No matter how ridiculous the excuse, we Americans seem to keep drinking the Kool-aid. Oftentimes we even re-elect these extremely flawed hypocrites and allow them to continue to force their stringent moral code and religious jargon onto us. Practice what you preach? Nah, more like just do what they say.
Therefore, since we clearly have no want to beat them, we might as well join them.
Below are suggestions for what to do if you are in a bind and need an out. Just do what our leaders do. It’s easy, fun, profitable and most of all, it feeds your ego to the point where you actually believe your own lies. Denial is the answer!
1. If you claim to be extremely conservative and believe homosexuality to be a sin, yet you still get caught having gay sex – fear not. You just have to project your “gay behavior” onto everyone and everything around you.
For example you might say:
No no no. I don’t like men – I was tempted by the devil, by the media, by the way gay men seem to be better groomed than most straight American men. I blame Anderson Cooper, Lady Gaga, social programs, unions, Snooki and the government for pumping me full of propaganda that made me believe that gay is the thing to be. Now I’m off to some secluded camp in the woods with a bunch of other confused dudes to ungay myself and get baptized…in giant bathtub surrounded by shirtless men. Praise be to God!
2. If you are accused of cheating on your cancer-stricken wife with a woman who has a face like a horse, NEVER admit to it. Even if she gets knocked up and the baby comes out looking identical to you, don’t admit to any guilt. Instead, blame your friend. That’s what friends are for…to take the rap for you. It is far better to ruin his family and embarrass his children rather than your political aspirations You must stay in denial until your wife passes away. Then you can run off with your baby momma and live off campaign finance money from the people whom once believed in you.
3. If you have an affair with a woman 23 years younger than you and then leave your…cancer-stricken wife (there seems to be a theme here), don’t blame yourself. Blame America. It wasn’t your lack of self-control or hypocrisy that made you stray from the sacred covenant of marriage – the same convenant that you and your party run for office on, it was your love for America that made you bone-out in the wrong direction. So you tried to impeach a guy back in the 90’s for doing the same thing. You know what, it’s not the same when it’s happening to you. And you deserve all the understanding and forgiveness in the world while everyone else can just rot. Remember, you are the most important thing in this world. Without you, you would not exist. Think about it. It’s quite profound because you thought of it. Now go out there and claim that elitist Atheists and Fundamental Islamists are trying to destroy our way of life. Fear gets the job done.
4. If you work hard for something for years, but never succeed, take the money and run. This is a win win for you. You tried, but now it’s time to sell-out. Money is greater than integrity. Let’s say you fought for years to obtain health-care for every American, which included trying to take down corrupt health insurance companies, but sadly, it never came to fruition. No need to worry. Simply allow the insurance companies to buy you out. Smile, shake the enemy’s hand and then take that large chunk of change and put it toward your future presidential campaign. And if there’s a little extra ching in your pocket…how about some face-fillers! Youth is the best human trait there is.
5. If you get caught doing drugs…even if you get caught doing them off a gay prostitute’s ass, never admit to being a drug addict or homosexual. Instead take your kids and delusional wife and move a few states over. Once you arrive, allow a documentary crew to film you as you get your life back. Forget about your incessant thirst for male genitalia in your mouth and instead assist your wife with her scrap-booking or dust off her Precious Moments collection. Then contact Oprah for an exclusive interview where you claim to have put that “behavior” behind you and now LOVE boning your wife.
6. If preach about the importance of the abstinence-only program in schools and then that same program only gets your daughter pregnant, hide it. As long as you can, hide her pregnancy. Then when the time is right, pimp her out to the public. Get her on reality television, have her get someone else to write a book about abstinence (but with her name on it) and encourage her to seek out speaking engagements where she gets paid thousands of dollars to encourage young women to leave their vaginas alone until marriage. Then continue on your platform that abstinence-only education works, just not in your household. Then go fishing, hunting or shoot a bear in the face for attention. Whatever you don’t really do, do it and do it mediocre as long as someone is watching.
7. If you need to get people to agree with you, lie. In the end all that matters is that you get your way and your career advances. So you told the nation that there were headless bodies all over the desert despite that fact that no one, not even the authorities could collaborate your story, big deal. You’re lies have alreaday terrified the most important people – those who follow the terrorist threat level like the weather. Now just sit back and try to age more gracefully.
Former Evangelical Pastor Ted Haggard says:
By golly, I think the Lord is in your pants.
Sex with my wife is the best…when she’s not home.
I used my brain to cure gayness. WINNING!
Next to smoking meth, dudes are my favorite thing to do. Now send me your money.