Sheen is as sober as he’ll ever be

The internet is a buzz with speculations that after years of heavy partying Charlie Sheen is experiencing some kind of cocaine-induced psychosis. Are you serious internet? Charlie Sheen on drugs!?! He says he’s sober and got that way within an hour –  by using his brain. Now I’m no addiction specialist, but I do watch a lot of Intervention episodes and I believe him. I don’t see a drug addict.  When I look at him, all I see is a man at war who chain smokes, never sleeps, drinks some sort of tropical punch, sweats for no reason and has aged 10 years in the past 2 months. If those are signs of drug use then I don’t know many sober people.

I have many family members who proudly profess their sobriety just like Sheen is trying to do.  Wake up America! You can lose your career, driver’s license, home,  spouse, kids, skin, money, respect, teeth and mind without being a substance abuser. Those things are notoriously hard to hold onto (just look at every lottery winner in the US).

And for the record, Sheen recently finished an EXTENSIVE rehab program in his California mansion that included no licensed addiction specialists or doctors. So if that’s not enough for you people, I don’t know what is.

I recently interviewed people who have never met nor will ever meet  Charlie Sheen in order to get an in-depth look into his life and supposed  “addiction.” Here is what these experts had to say: 

“I think Sheen is the most brilliant actor of our time. The way he so accurately plays a womanizing drunk on Two and a Half Men is amazing. How does he do it so well? I wish CBS would just shut their pieholes.” – Ed Naughton, Two and a Half Men enthusiast and creator of the blog,  Real Men Wear Bowling Shirts, Ankle Socks and Drink Before Noon.

“When an ‘addict’ says that he or she is clean, we should just all go with that. It’s a lot easier just to accept what is fed to you rather than ask questions. Questions create more questions, which makes me anxious and when I get anxious, I have to go to the bathroom…a lot.” – Allie Simmons, author of Denial Keeps Me Off The Toilet

You just wait till Major League 3, then you’ll all be sorry,” –  Xavier, just a normal guy walking down the street holding a baseball bat.

“I’d still do him.”  – Grandma Sandy

“Tiger blood is better than regular middle class American blood and crack is a social drug,” – Chuck Sheem, Charlie Sheen impersonator on Hollywood Blvd.

“I think Charlie Sheen is holding a lot of harbored resentment toward his brother Emilio. He (Sheen) really wanted that Mighty Ducks movie dynasty. I don’t blame the guy for falling off the wagon.” – Terrence Walden – An extra in the Mighty Ducks 1 and 2. Walden would have been in Mighty Ducks 3 had he just given his lunch to Goldberg like he was told to do. “He had already eaten four of the extra’s lunches. I just didn’t think it was right,” Walden told us during an exclusive phone interview.

“Until he’s accused of assaulting another porn star at a hotel while his two daughters sleep in a room down the hall from his, I’m not convinced,” – Jerry Miller,  the first  male dental hygenist in the US.

“At least it’s not that chubby kid from Two and a Half Men. Now he’s got talent!” – Mary Delusion, voted worst taste in everything in high school.

“What kind of drug addict surrounds himself and his daughters with porn stars and strippers? There’s no way that SOB is on anything, but good old-fashioned family values.” – Angus Jones, a man who has devoted his life to campaigning to keep glass out of American strip clubs.

“I’m a hot TV doctor. Some have even called me a ‘silver fox,’  but I can’t peform miracles or other doctor stuff.” – said Dr. Drew when asked if he would be able to help Charlie Sheen on his show Celebrity Rehab.

There you have it. The people have spoken and they have decided that Charlie Sheen is sober and WINNING. What the media is doing to him is just plain wrong. Sure, he’s asking to be interviewed hourly, but that’s only because he’s at war. How would you like to make only $2 million per episode for 8 years on a top-rated television show and then have it disappear? That would keep any man up at night wondering how he will feed his family and his whores.

We say –  FREE CHARLIE SHEEN! So far he has proven to himself to have a higher success rate than AA and in some states AAA. 

This is your brain making you sober. Any questions?

The effects of high fructose corn syrup. You’ve been warned, kids.

Denise Richards, Kelly Preston and many porn star’s revenge.


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