Teach me how to Dougie and to Tweet.

Twitter is the newest coolest social networking thingee since Facebook was yesterday. Since I’ve joined Twitter, I’ve found it to be charming in a I don’t quite get it kind of way. Sure I understand that it’s a quicker way to get the word out to the world that YES you too  hate Sarah Palin or that you’re a mom who blogs and loves her kids and stuff. Or if you’re me, you use it as way to prove to the world that chicks can be funny…namely me. I agonize over each day’s  trending hastags (#) in an attempt to obtain more followers (118 is not enough) and try  to out- clever TweetinAssChic ‘s latest tweet – #howareyouathug if you can’t teach me how to Dougie? Damn, that’s good stuff. I don’t even know what a Dougie is, but from what I can tell by her tweet  it’s Thugtastic.

So I tweet – #howareyouathug if you pay for the wireless internet?  Not my best effort, but I needed something and quick. So I thought – Would 2Pac have paid for wireless  internet??

Answer: No. Instead, he’d ride the neighbors unsecured network all the way through his Thug Mansion. This I know. Needless to say, I gained no followers, got no retweets and watched in complete envy  as TweetinAssChic received the Top Tweet title for the day.

Basically, Facebook is  butt cleavage while Twitter is  side boob.

Where once butt cleav, whale tales and coinslots were all the rage, now it’s all about the side boob. The hottest accessory on any body these days.

Maybe it’s because my mother made everything I ever did growing up seem completely amazing, but I really only Tweet for the recognition. So that others can praise me. I do it for the chance that people will  retweet my tweets or tag me as @PaleGurl is THE BEST PERSON EVER BORN!!!!

Growing up I’d hear this:

My Mom:  “You mean you unloaded two WHOLE  glasses from the dishwasher with me only having to ask you 6 times -you’re just the best daughter ever!”

My Mom:  “I can’t believe what a great swimmer you are. You put your head under the water and everything. Best in the class as far as I could see.”

Me: “Well that’s because it’s a beginner’s swimming class. And they’re all 5 years old and I’m 13.”

Me: “I’ve gained 15 pounds in the first week of college.”

My Mom: “You’ve always been an overachiever. It takes most girls a whole semester to do that! And I would just die to look like you. JUST DIE!”

Therefore, I’ve  always been a look at me LOOK AT ME kind of person. I like attention as long as it’s positive. I’m not as far gone as most reality stars and wannabe  “celebrities” who seem to think that any attention (whether it be positive or EXTREMELY negative) is better than none at all. “At least they’re talking about me,” these people will say in regards to their haters. Yeah, they’re talking about you. Talking about how they hope you get simultaneously mauled by a pack of wolves, set on fire, robbed and cyber-bullied to the brink of insanity. However,  to these types of people  that’s better than being a normal old nobody who only has real friends, doesn’t get his or her picture taken and isn’t scrutinized publicly. Luckily, I don’t yet prescribe to that “at least they’re looking at me” mentality. I figure I’ll save that for my 40’s.

Since Twitter is blowing up and quickly leaving me and my measily 118 followers behind, I  thought it was time to institute some rules.

Twitters Do’s and Don’ts and a few other things that bug me:

1. If I follow you, YOU MUST FOLLOW ME BACK. It’s only the right thing to do. If you don’t,  it’s like me saving you from a burning building and then you repaying me with mouth herpes.. It’s just not right. Unless you are a super awesome, well-paid mega star  with witty tweets, I assume I’ll receive a follow request from all those I follow. Don’t get it twisted, no one wants to hear about how “grateful” you are to have your dog in your life if you don’t pay it forward and follow your followers back.

2. No need to retweet every positive comment someone writes about you. That was just meant for you and we’ll let one or two slide, but constantly retweeting how great people think you are will only get you unfollowed. Since we all know you are in fact, not that great. Instead you were merely on a reality show about drunken “Bad Girls” who wear thongs like pants and pull weaves like Midwestern mom’s pull weeds from their yards. Just keep tweeting about which bar you’ll be paid to drink at this weekend, so that everyone on Twitter can not go there.

3. TwitPics are cool – within moderation. No need to share with us Twitpics of  all your activities each  day. Unless of course those activities include dangerous drug deals, visiting kitten farms or someone throwing acid in your face. All of these things are considered “awesome” and should be documented for the Twitterverse to enjoy.

4. Please don’t tell me or any of your other followers who to support unless you know them personally. Retweeting some stranger’s request to get you to help them get more followers so that they may save American babies from ObamaCare is not a good idea. It’ll only get that person more undeserved followers and make you look mental. Unless of course you get a request from me stating: “Please RT:  Follow me and help support women world-wide fight clumpy mascara and hunger.”

5. Never be PRO Chris Brown on Twitter. He will only let you down with more lady-face-punching and homophobic hate speech. It’s just how he rolls.

6. Don’t simply Tweet HAHAHAHAHA! with a link. This implies that this link is universally hilarious and most things are not. Instead, you can post the Hahaha, but also include a brief description of the link  so as not to make all of your followers believe they will be HAHAHAHAHAHA- ing along with you.

For example:

HAHAHAHAHAHA – watch as the annoying loser my aunt married gets arrested for identity theft then pisses his pants and cries in the squad car.


HAHAHAHAHAHA – I can’t believe that lady at work who sits  in the cube next to me and uses her  outside voice on phone calls all day fell into that mysterious hole in the parking lot in front of our office this morning. And then someone filled it with cement and now no one else knows where she is, but me. Check it out!


Don’t get cute Seacrest! We know who you really are.

The smart ones still remember you from Gladiator’s 2000…

Lame-O in a wind-breaker and slouched socks…

Yes, yes! True Story! Unless it’s this blog.

But you wouldn’t know that sir because you can’t even keep your bones intact.

Inspecting baby doors are always acceptable TwitPics.

Okay we get it. Your ass can eat everyone else’s ass. Congrats! It’ll really come in handy in your later years. Grandma’s got a big ol’ butt…oh yeah!

Follow me or I’ll  spam you on Facebook!

Follow me or I’ll consider you Twitter Trash!

Follow me or I’ll Retweet your social security number!

People like this are worse than influenza and ribbed turtle necks…combined!

Follow this guy if you want to see Tweets about Africa and a bunch of other stuff he knows nothing about.

Okay now follow me please so that I can gain some self-worth.


And yes, my avatar is a pregnant Barbie. It’s totally American!

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