And here they are. The best of the best Facebook status updates for 2011. Please read responsibly and kindly leave your tan at the door.
1. (Name) 2011 has been my best year yet. 13 days in and I still haven’t made it home to my family. That’s right kids, Daddy is a missing person…who will never ever be found. Unless you go to my girlfriend’s house.
2. (Name) cleaned up my Facebook friend list for the new year. Now it’s just me and that chick from Argentina with the cleavage profile pic who’s always posting links on my wall that say, “Hey hot stuff. Click here and it’ll blow your mind. For real. I can’t believe what I just saw.” And then my computer goes blank. I think she wants me.
3. (Name) will eat off your plate and tell you there’s a famine.
4. (Name) It’s not gay if he threatens to kill you afterward.
5. (Name) Jeggings are the new (MC) Hammer pants.
6. (Name) I can’t wait for Season 3 of The Two Coreys!
7. (Name) This is going to be the year that I finally stop masturbating to Barbara Bush.
8. (Name) If you’re “bakk in scool” at 29 years old, it may be too late for you.
9. (Name) is single!!! And if someone would buy these 4 kids off of me, I’d be FREE and happy!
10. (Name) is still poking people like it’s 2008.
Best Facebook Profile pics of 2011…so far:
Daughter: My mom leaves me in the car during the summer while she goes to multiple speed dating events around the city. And if she finds a guy to take home that night, I get to build a fort in the trunk. Men are all that matters. I can’t wait to find one when I turn 10.
Mother: My daughter is always with me, in spirit. When I’m not passing her off to my religious sister or leaving her in the trunk of my car, I enjoy tanning, following Miley Cyrus on Twitter, taking pics of myself while driving down the freeway, sexting and taking birth control in public places…that way guys don’t know I’ve already went through menopause.
3 Reasons To Put Down the BOOZE:
1. You would like to fulfill your dream of finishing your 2 year dental assisting program in under 9 years.
2. You’re sick of waking up in the same high-waisted light-wash jeans you’ve been wearing since 1993.
3. You drive a 1987 Ford Tempo.
I like to write inspiring things on my dorm room wall like:
“Your shirt isn’t that tight” and “One day someone will love you enough to make you a vampire.”
His profile pic says: Hey guys, it’s me Dave. I ‘m new to Facebook, but I’m an avid Myspace user. If you give me your address, I’ll come over and murder you.