Many people will be attending their company/corporate holiday parties this time of year. It is imperative that you act accordingly while still having fun. That is, if you want to keep your job and avoid having your electricity turned off and your only child look at you and say, “I want a daddy who isn’t a broken hollow shell of a man.”
So here are some proper etiquette tips for your behavior at such holiday corporate events. (Unless you work for Jimmy John’s or any store that sells anything hemp – then go balls to the wall in that chill – “get off my white boy dreads” way you do).
1. DON’T. I repeat DON’T show up to the party with an erection. That just shows a lack of control on your part and will not land you that SVP position that you’ve been vying for.
2. Always bring a gift or something to share to the party. Like your brother’s wife. Let’s face it, he hates her and you’re hoping she is attacked by a large, lingering cloud of carbon monoxide in the very near future so you might as well bring her, fix her a stiff GHB and peyote cocktail and hope she makes some bad decisions so that your brother doesn’t have to pay her – hasn’t worked since he put a ring on it a$$ – spousal support.
3. Leave your kids at the holiday party. That says to your co-workers and management that you clearly care more for their company then you do the well-being of your own offspring and what company does promote that!?!
4. Hook up with EVERYBODY! Even the catering staff. You never know who has got connections and is willing to do stuff that your spouse/significant other isn’t.
5. Make sure you share with everybody at the party your religious beliefs. And be very belligerent about it. Get up in people’s faces and say, “Shame on YOUR God!” Or “If you were a God-fearing man/woman, you wouldn’t eat so much bread!” Also, blame their religions for causing horrible events such as the NKOTB/Backstreet Boys Reunion on the AMA’s and the death of Anna Nicole smith.
6. Eat off your co-worker’s plates while they are eating. This marks your territory and tells them, “Don’t you dare try to step to this cuz I’ll eat all your figgy pudding, bitch!”
7. Dance. Like you’ve never danced before. Grind everything. Poles, people, the floor, urinals, wine bottles and especially the Christmas tree. No matter how large the tree is, hop on that beast and gyrate until your thighs begin to cramp and then fall to the floor and cry. Loudly. Corporate America love sexy cry babies.
8. Carry around a cheese log (but dress it up like a impoverished little baby girl) and introduce it to everyone as your new adopted baby. Tell them the very long story about how you saved little Salvia from a life of culture, non-english speaking people and everyone she loves just so you can walk through life with an air of superiority. Then tell them how when she’s older and moldy, you plan to marry her ala Woody Allen style. Everyone loves Woody Allen and will soon forget that you are a delusional creep. Reference Annie Hall so they know you are a legit fan.
Sure, they don’t know she’s your cousin, but Jesus does. Now get out of there and buy that sexy cousin a shirt with actual sleeves. Nothing says, I was an unplanned preganacy like poor style.
Just because your manager is a 32 year old woman, that doesn’t mean you should spend the party smelling her skin and leaving old man nose hairs on her cheeks. Trim it up, Abe Vigoda!
Oh yes buy, sell, lie, drink Glenlivet and then let’s go into the closet and do stuff to each other with our wedding rings.