Are you sick of spending the holidays with a group of people you were merely born into?
Are you tired of not having a choice as to who you allow to abuse, harass, objectify and humiliate you on the birthday of our Lord and Savior?
If you answered yes or no to any of these questions, here’s YOUR solution: Simply scare your family away!
There are many ways to guarantee that you are NEVER again invited to another holiday or any event with that horrible group you must refer to as your family.
Here are a few suggestions for the destruction of all family ties:
1. Pee on the turkey, ham, turducken, tofurkey or whatever those losers you call family members are serving. And don’t just pee on it in secret. Hop right up on the table and squat or stand over it right as Uncle Glen is about to dig in. Nobody, not even your blood-relatives tolerate when the food they’ve been salivating over all year is urinated on.
I only peed on your turducken cuz I hate you and your children.
2. Start your Aunt Joan’s holiday sweater on fire…with a blowtorch. That’ll teach her to ugly up the party with her hideously loud holiday sweater.
Dear Aunt Joan,
Not only do you have a sweater for every holiday, including MLK day, but you also pretended not to hear as your husband discussed his approval of my newly budding breasts when I turned 13. Thanks for nothing. Enjoy being on fire!
3. Tell your Grandpa that all the money he’s constantly giving to the television Evangelists is actually going to support health-care and welfare for atheist unwed mothers who can’t cook and tailgate on the freeway. Bring proof. Which to the elderly is simply something typed into a Word Document and printed out. He’ll think it must be official if someone who knows the inner-workings of “that webby box” created it.
Let’s all touch each other and try not to get boners. UH OH! Too late, Reverend Tom!
4. Take your Uncle Roger’s Dust-Off canisters and whipped cream canisters and break them with a sledgehammer right in front of his face. It’ll devastate him and cause everyone else to wonder – Is this the day Roger is actually going kill us all? Good old Rog can’t make it through a holiday without huffing. And we all know that he can’t drive himself to one of the few stores open on Christmas day since he lost his license and car back in 1989. The beauty of this destruction is that you’re the only one left in the family with a valid driver’s license and a car. Therefore, get out of there ASAP. Speed off in your ride and never look back. They’ll all be in a “better” place by the morning.
No more “Walking on Sunshine” for Uncle Rog. He’ll be beaming it up on the Death Star.
Check back for more helpfully destructive tips…