Once you reach adulthood, you begin to realize that your parents left out A LOT of helpful advice about life. Most likely that is because they a) hate you b) feel better about themselves when watching you fail or c) were just never sober long enough to string together a coherent sentence with helpful tips about life. So here’s some of the advice you should have received, had your parents actually wanted you.
IMPORTANT ADVICE For the Ladies:
1) When you grow up one of the worst things you can do is continue to talk in a wannabe cutesy/whiny baby voice. Baby talk is not cute. Not even when babies do it. Adult women who purposely talk in squeaky baby voices are worse than cholera.
2) Dudes will cheat on you. Even the religious ones. Now that’s not saying that all the men you date will cheat, but I guarantee at least one will. And when that happens, you will be surprised, hurt, feel fat, maybe take him back briefly and then have trust issues for eternity. It’s a fun cycle. That’s why God invented therapy and Klonopin. Take advantage of God’s gifts.
3) Tanning beds decrease brain function and kill rainbows. Now, I’m not saying this just because I am unable to get tan. I’m saying this because my pet bunny was murdered by a tanning bed. Do you really want to support a murderer?
4) If you are outspoken and smart, guys will call you a bitch. If you are quiet and reserved, guys will call you a bitch. If you are easy and open, guys will call you a bitch. If you are saving yourself for the reincarnation of Corey Haim (like I am), guys will call you a bitch. Moral of this lesson: You’re not a bitch. Some men just have very small vocabularies and are angry every second that they are not masturbating.
5) When in a public ladies room do not do ANY OF THE FOLLOWING: a) Leave the toilet unflushed. You should be courtesy flushing through out. b) Talk on your cell phone. c) Talk to each other through stalls. None of the other “ladies” in the restroom care about what a “dick” Scott is being to you. d) Make noises. Do you really need attention that badly? e) Leave without washing your hands. Every time your hands go unwashed an angel drowns in a sewer.
6) Never say this about your girlfriends: “We’ll be friends forever!” Cuz most likely you won’t. Unfortunately, many friends grow apart. It’s not that they are bad friends, it’s just that they didn’t care enough to call or even text you when your boyfriend cheated on you while he was in prison. RUDE!
7) Everyone hates the prettiest girl in the room. It’s girl code. If it’s you, boo hoo. Go cry into a mirror while looking at your gorgeous, undeserved face.
8) Most men you date, will not want to pay for you. Too bad. NEVER. EVER. Offer to go Dutch or pick up the tab. That just perpetuates the stereotype that women are bad at math.
IMPORTANT ADVICE For Guys:
1) Between 18-23 years old – it’s somewhat cool or expected to be the loud, belligerent guy at the party with molesting tendencies, but after that it’s just against the laws of nature. Step away from the pipe, put down the Natural Ice 40 oz and brush your teeth….religiously. If you start brushing your teeth as much as you drink and/or smoke weed, you’ll get a job…for Crest and they offer excellent benefits.
2) Women will cheat on you. Even the Jesus lovers. Now that’s not saying that every woman you date will cheat on you, but I guarantee at least one will. And when that happens you’ll call her a whore, question your manhood, consider switching to men and vow that you will start working out and lifting weights until you can fit all your heartbreak into your bulging biceps, triceps and glutes. However, instead of doing any of the things I’ve listed above, may I suggest buying yourself a cat? They’re just so fluffy.
3) Not everything can be solved with fist fighting. Actually, there are very few things that can be solved with one simple punch to the schnoz. Those things include: racism, health-care reform, the war on cocaine and child-hood obesity. Example: “If you have one more triple bacon cheeseburger, I’m going to punch you in the face!”
4) It doesn’t matter how often you shower, touch your balls or cheer for some stupid sports team that never wins, as long as you have money. You are far less annoying when women have a motivating factor for “loving” you. And yes, millions of women every day date guys they’d sooner see burned alive than bang, but that all mighty dollar is more powerful than The Force and all the lightsabers in the world combined.
5) Don’t get married until you are fat, desperate, develop some kind of chronic syndrome that requires assistance or are ready. Sure your lady may say, “If you don’t marry me, I’m out.” However, she won’t really leave. She’ll just wait it out hoping you’ll die first (statistics say you will) and stop having sex with you, which is what I assume marriage is like anyways.
6) Don’t ever wear wife-beater tank tops as shirts. They are meant for two things and two things only – starring on episodes of Cops and being an extra on Jersey Shore.
7) At least two of your dude friends have touched you downstairs when you were passed out. Curiosity killed your friendship, but satisfaction brought it back.
8) You will never be in the NBA, NFL, NHL, MLB, MENSA, B2K or the ACLU, but you will be in the NRA and/or jail.
Free beer is the only thing the government can’t take away from me to cover my back child support.
Letters from young professionals to their baby:
“Mommy and daddy only wanted you because it looked good on our resumes.”
“We wish you were more like Pinot Grigio.”
This chick says:
“I get WAAAAY more drunk when I’m pregnant.”
“I can create life.”
Mom says: “You were an excellent tax deduction for 18 years.”
“Your dad didn’t want a baby. He wanted a boat.”