Congratulations on your Marriage! I hope it’s nothing like your first or your second…

You’ve just been invited to yet another wedding. You’re at Target sifting through countless congratulatory cards, but their messages are never quite right.  Most are trite and therefore, disappointing. Instead of sitting silent and giving into the BS that Hallmark regurgitates into each $4 card,  I’ve  come up my own greeting card messages. Enjoy!

Greeting Card Messages for Weddings:

I’m so glad that you were able to get over the fact that I boned your fiance. I’m sure he only thinks about you now during sex. And we all know men stop cheating once they stand before God to pronounce their love to a woman who gave him an ultimatum to marry her. Enjoy your life wondering. Congrats!

So happy you two have found one another. You are now one, a really BIG one. And I’m talking massive. I hope there is not cake at your wedding. You guys don’t need it. And I wouldn’t suggest that either of you wear white…for obvious reasons. Also, I bought you Slimfast and a few mirrors as wedding gifts. Just think, if you both lose the weight, you won’t have to settle. Enjoy your day!

On your special day, I’d only like to tell you this: DON’T DO IT! She started her last boyfriend on fire. ON FIRE! What makes you think that’s not going to happen to you? She’s been off her meds for months now and I know those voices in her head are telling her she’s fine. I just don’t want you to burn, buddy. Plus, didn’t you just get done telling me that she hasn’t given you a BJ in 3 years!?! Those numbers aren’t going to go up once you marry. RUN! And I’ll introduce you to my slutty cousin, Marie. Best Wishes!

May the coming years fill your lives with love and happiness. And I’m sure he’ll get a job once you’re married. I’m just sure of it. He’s had so much first-person shooter game experience that I can’t imagine any company not wanting to hire him. Who doesn’t want to hire a grown man who wears Japanimation t-shirts, pounds 12 Mountain Dews a day and brushes his teeth once a week.  CONGRATULATIONS!

May your marriage be blessed with all the things that make you both tick: internet porn, compulsive spending, weed, lying to each other about still talking to your exes, mortgage payment delinquencies, chain-smoking, taking the elevator instead of walking one flight of stairs and lottery tickets. I am hopeful that you both will one day obtain a GED and get your kids back from foster care.

Congratulations to the perfect couple! If by perfect I meant: two people who barely know each other. But how great will it be when they find out that a) the husband was arrested for chatting online and sexting an 11-year-old girl just two years ago and hasn’t paid his taxes since 1999. And b) the wife spends most days snorting Xanax and cutting herself with her knitting needles, but just look at those amazing mittens she can make!


We stopped having regular/fun sex years ago so we might as well get married!

I can’t wait to kill you in my dreams!

I love you so much I could just bite your face off like a rabid wolf and then hook up with your best friend!

We should have NEVER bought a couch from Ikea.

This marriage will not work if you’re thinner than me.

I can’t believe you quit your job at American Eagle. I knew I shouldn’t have married my teenage sister.

Straight marriage is hilarious! Thanks for making it illegal for us to marry, America!



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