Denim jeans have become a fashion staple in the United States. We have our casual jeans, our fancy jeans, our favorite jeans and our fat jeans. However, many men also have their Creeper Jeans. These are the jeans that can creep-out even the most open-minded of jean advocates. Below is a guide to the many kinds of creeper jeans and what they say about the guys who wear them.
1. The Create Your Own Destiny Jean SHORTS.
This jean look; however, meant to create the allusion that he is a fun, quirky dude, does quite the opposite. Instead it screams – “I’m into making pre-teens laugh in hopes that I can take one home with me.” If your goal is to become a registered sex-offender then this is the look for you, but if not, I suggest you invest in a pair of full length Wranglers and stop cruising for babes at Skateland on Saturday afternoons.
2. The MANHOOD-EATING Jeans
When men wear these super tight skinny jeans, it only does one thing to women – makes us jealous. Every time we look at you we think, “Bitch!” We want to put lard in your frozen yogurt and slap you across the face with a Monster Thickburger. These jeans also make women feel bad…for your penis. Where does it go when wearing these pants? Can it breathe? I’d write more about this topic, but it makes it hard for me to finish my second Chipotle burrito.
3. The I Try Too Hard jeans.
Guys who wear these “vintage” acid wash jeans paired with tshirts from the 1980’s and early 1990’s are not only annoying, but most likely smelly. Yes, these are the same guys who think it’s cute to have a hint of body odor at all times. For these guys, the goal is to appear as though they are weird or ironic. These jeans serve only as a conversation starter so that they can then transition into discussing their love of playing music. These unoriginal hacks are often overheard at bars and college parties bragging to chicks, “I play a mean Casio KeyTar.” A word to the wise, it’s not your lame fashion that is pulling young women to sleep with you. Instead, it’s a mixture of low self-esteem, absent fathers, Jagermeister and MTV’s Teen Mom.
4. The DON’T LOOK AT MY FACE jeans.
Guys who wear these loud, ugly and obnoxious jeans are usually just that – loud, ugly and obnoxious. No matter how much time they invest in GTL, it does nothing for their faces, packages or verb conjugation – just ask Jersey Shore’s own – The Situation. Six pack abs are impressive, but not if your face looks like you spent your gestation swimming in an amniotic cocktail of Red Dog, krank and chicken fingers. Try buying some jeans that don’t scream, “HATE ME!”