Barsexuality – What your Grandparents should know.

Drunk girls hooking up with drunk girls for the enjoyment of drunk dudes is really what Barsexuality is all about.

Many women out at bars/clubs are pretending to be straight/drunken/lesbian hybrids by publicly making-out with their besties. They enjoy sticking their vodka-soaked tongues down each other’s throats to the delight of the males who are usually circle-jerking around them.  From time to time these ladies will stop,  giggle and act shy or embarrassed so as to create the allusion that they’re able to feel any kind of shame, but we all know better.

Barsexuals are the same women who dream of their areolas being featured on Girls Gone Wild. These women have also helped pull VH1 from what could have been a lonely music channel for the middle-aged and turned it into the skanky staple for reality dating shows.  Barsexuality is  a phenomenon that even the great Tyra Banks has tried to dissect and understand on her talk show.

Some want to blame people like  Katy Perry for this bar behavior, but they’re wrong. Barsexuality has been happening for longer than Katy Perry has been lying about using ProActiv Acne Solution.

Oh Katy! That’s how you get acne! You don’t know where her pores have been.


Below is a breakdown of what kind of Barsexuals you may encounter.


These two are referred to as the Stripper/Non-Stripper Barsexuals. Pictured above is your average stripper and her less-diseased and slightly less attractive friend engaging in barsexuality. Unfortunately for the friend, she usually plays a secondary role to the stripper’s well-trained slutiness. This usually leaves said friend in areas of the stripper’s body that only the brave or ignorant dare go without latex. Many believe that these kind of barsexuals are comfortable with one another because they share a baby daddy.

These are what are most commonly referred to as Alternative Barsexuals. Sure they listen to better music than your average barsexual AND they have sex with more guys who play guitar, paint and cut themselves, but that doesn’t mean they don’t want to be exploited just the same. The only difference between them and your average barsexual, is that alternative barsexuals make their whoring look more hip by providing colorful tattoos and thick fringe.

These two are referred to as Extended Barsexuals. They seem to take this barsexuality thing farther than most ladies. It’s seems to be the longer the weaves/hair extensions are, the more tongue and hands they tend to use. Some say they are making up for the shame they feel about their over-processed real hair and split-ends.

These two are what you would call 6-year Senior Barsexuals. Who needs an education when mom and dad are paying for you to get it on with your fellow trash bag and #1 girlfriend, Madison. And when these two are finally ready to leave the University of Worthless Liberal Arts Degrees (without their degrees), they can just start working full-time at Wet Seal. Because all these ladies really want out of life is an illegitimate child and more colorful pleather pumps!

These are what are referred to as the CAN MY MOM COME TOO Barsexuals. These barsexuals usually consist of moms and daughters who are on average 14-18 years a part in age. This kind of barsexuality usually starts early – for example – day one of life. When the mother looks at her innocent new-born baby girl that is sleeping on her chest and says,  “I can’t wait until Breanna is old enough to go out to the bars with me!” Then Breanna turns 15 and BAM, her mom lets her drive the Dodge Caravan and get a fake ID. You can see them out 6-7 nights a week pulling community college boys with their mother-daughter “love.”

2 thoughts on “Barsexuality – What your Grandparents should know.

  1. On facebook there are some female friends of mine who, although allegedly totally straight, have pics of themselves snogging girls in the toilets – and yet deny all knowledge or participation of said snogging..!
    “But what about the pics” I asked, and the answer I got was “It wasn’t me” ..
    The evil twin excuse, ah that old chestnut.. :)

  2. most of the time i use hair extensions because i love long hair~’.

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