I Guess I Like ‘LIKE’ it.


When did being a fan of something on Facebook mean you had to ‘LIKE’ it? What if I still just want to be a ‘FAN?’ Why must we now ‘LIKE?’ Why Facebook? Why must you evolve? Why can’t you just stay the same like some of my uncles who are totally okay with never learning how to spell their own names or read restaurant menus? Why can’t your mentality be the same as theirs. Change is bad unless of course it’s having your wife change the channel on the TV. You don’t want to risk doing any kind of cardio. Or giving the little lady a day off from degradation.

Facebook, isn’t it bad enough that you share my information with 3rd party pornography companies and rot my consciousness with virtual success that I’ll never be able to match in the real world? For example:  mob power, a plentiful farming business and a super fashionable, popular and thin sorority avatar that makes me stare at the walls of my cubicle think, “What am I doing here? I’m a size negative zero, I drive a pink Ferrari and I can boink any dude at my virtual college. I’m too good for this peasant work.”

Despite the disdain I feel for my real life and the incessant evolution of my best friend, Facebook. I have decided to accept this ‘LIKE’ option. After searching Facebook nonstop for the last 26 hours, I have created a list of the BEST ‘LIKES’ of May 2010. Enjoy!

1. (Name) LIKES when we used to be able to be a FAN of something.

2. (Name) LIKES tongue kissing the homeless.

3. (Name) LIKES clogging your toilet.

4. (Name) LIKES smoking in your car with the windows up.

5. (Name) LIKES pushing you off something really high.

6. (Name) LIKES staring at your pictures and thinking “If his/her pictures are only from the neck up, I’m assuming there are BIG problems down below.”

7. (Name) LIKES you…NOT. No Way! You’re the worst! And I LIKE that I think that.

8. (Name) LIKES when you leave.

9. (Name) LIKES telling your kids stories. “When we were young, your mommy was a complete whore. She had no standards and got on top of anyone who would buy her a blizzard from Dairy Queen.”

10 (Name) LIKES how you think your children are “so adorable.”  That’s hilarious.

11. (Name) LIKES hiding you on Facebook chat.

12. (Name) LIKES when Vegans cry.

13. (Name) LIKES people who get drunk and throw up in public. Makes me feel better about my drinking.

14. (Name) LIKES to date guys with multiple DUIs and revoked driver’s licenses. Then when we are in the car we always get to do what I want. “Oh you don’t want to go to the humane society and pet stray cats for 7 hours? Well then why don’t you drive us somewhere else? Oh that’s right you can’t. I win!”

15. (Name) LIKES a small Adam’s apple and a handlebar stache on my women.

16. (Name) LIKES gaying out on Saturdays only. Sundays, I spend in church with my wife and kids.

I like a little fuzz on my woman. It keeps her honest.

He gets so many chicks…in Second Life.

Have you ever seen anyone with a face like they were born in a bar? Like they spent their nine months of gestation swimming around in Jack and Everclear and then were plopped out onto the floor of a dive bar?

Now you’ve seen two!

The secret to a lasting love: Jean on jean on jean and finger tattoos from prison.

It’s okay sweetie. Daddy just loves cigs, porn, pretending to be in his 20’s and mommy’s friends more than he loves you. Good luck ever being in a healthy relationship.

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