UpChuck Facebook Status Updates

Between 2006-2010 everyone’s lives became “amazing” and we all fell madly in love.  Or at least that’s what our Facebook pages claim. Is it true? Is it just a FaceSHOW? Or am I just jealous?

Here’s a list of common Facebook status updates that may induce vomiting:

1. The I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOO IN LOVE  status update. Really? Then why are you always logged onto Facebook? People who are in love usually leave the house and I don’t know – hang out with the one they love.  Unless of course you are just in love with your laptop.  Just admit it. I am, but “it’s complicated.”

2. The I love my life status update. Really? Why? Because from the looks of your page, I’m seeing no reason to brag. In fact, have you considered deleting your Facebook page and living the remainder of your life off the grid? I think that is your calling. See you never!

3. The I had the BEST weekend EVER status update. Um, no, you didn’t because I wasn’t there.  Geez, quit being so self-centered and talk about me more.

4. The my boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband/lover is the BEST status update – we all know you’ve been cheating on him/her/it for years. You can’t make up for that in a status update. But a blood test might be a nice way to say you care.

5. The I GOT THE JOB status update. Ah, could you include some specifics about the job please… How else will I know how to react. Should I be jealous? Or should I continue to feel lucky that I am not  you?

6. The I’M PREGNANT status update. That’s it? You’re pregnant? Was it planned? Are you keeping it? Do you remember the father’s name? Again, it’s too vague for me to tell whether this is a blessed event or a reason for me to blog about you.

7. The I’m going on a super sweet awesome vacation that none of you losers are going on status update. Sorry, but most of us have already been to Florida and we’re not impressed. It smells like illiteracy and rotting gums.

The Samson Family Reunion takes a turn for the illegal. You can love your cousins, but you should shy away from tonguing them.

This is BOTH of their Facebook profile pictures. How precious.

What She’s Thinking: He’ll make a decent first husband.

What He’s Thinking: I never thought I’d find a chick who was okay with my genital warts.

According to Alan’s Facebook status – he had THE BEST weekend EVER. Who knew measuring his man-parts and Hannah Montana movies could be such a blast.

According to Heather’s Facebook status she had an amazing weekend getting married to her “BEST FRIEND.” However, she failed to mention that she spent the entire reception sexting her co-worker. Oh happy day!

1 thought on “UpChuck Facebook Status Updates

  1. i have a buddy that always just has one or two word updates like, “Gym”, “Yard House”, or “Painting room”.. wow! today tho was “i just got a speeding ticket. awesome!” ..at least that was funny!

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