1. You’re too tan. It’s ridiculous. Get out of the tanning bed. It has fried our friendship.
2. You are always posting your success as a virtual psychic wizard farmer and asking me to be your Bejeweled sorority sister. It’s awkward. I just use my Facebook to complain about how shitty my life is. I don’t have time for sorcery and harvesting.
3. You post too many pictures of your ferret. It’s gross…really it is. And if I wasn’t so afraid of being raped in jail by woman with more facial hair than my dad, I’d Christopher Moltisanti-IT in the woods.
4. You update your status about how “in looooooooooooooooooove” you are. Gag me with a meth pipe. Everyone is in love after 4 months of dating so just keep it to yourself until he cheats on you at 8 months. That I’d like to hear about.
5. You talk about Jesus too much. Even Jesus doesn’t talk about Jesus that much. He keeps it cool and on the DL like faith should be. I get it, you like God. Who doesn’t? WWJD – If Jesus were on Facebook, he’d hide you too.
6. You lie. You post pics of your kids that look Photoshopped. I’ve never seen a 2-year-old with a perfect gleaming white smile nor do I believe that you are in a relationship. You’re single and your kids are borderline disgusting and there’s nothing wrong with that. Just be honest.
7. I hid from you in real life and I’ll hide from you in virtual life as well.
8. I can’t seem to beat your Farkle score. You must be cheating and I am totally against cheating when it doesn’t benefit me.
9. You post too many pics of yourself. Dudes: You’re posting too many pics where you’re sitting on your leased BMW in front of your mom’s house. Ladies: You’re posting too many pics of half your head and all your cleavage. If I wanted to see boobs, I’d Google some good-looking ones. I get it, you own a push up bra, so do most American women. Now put those babies away before I call child services. Everyone knows that boobs are only for marriage and feeding.
10. Girl, you keep sending me invites to your comedy shows. We all know girls aren’t funny so just give up the dream. Instead, find yourself a man who will let you shave his coin slot and fill your belly with babies. And hurry! 30 is the new dead.
What he did after this pic was taken:
1. Went to watch the One Tree Hill Episode he had DVR’d the night before.
2. Cruised around singing Maroon Five and applying his man-gloss.
3. Asked his mom for gas money.
I can’t wait to be married! Then I can clean all the creases, folds and crevices of the man I love!