It’s spring break! Which means one thing…SUPER tan people have arrived on beaches across the U S of A. Tis the season for all of God’s tanned children to come out and strut what the tanning beds have given them.
Check out what the ULTRA bronzed have to say about their skin and their favorite time of year – SPRING BREAK!
“Honestly, I didn’t get into this business to make people tan for spring break. Or ever for that matter. I could care less. I’ve always been in it for the peep holes and hidden cameras.” – Tom Younghans, owner of Royal Sun Fun Tanning Salon.
“I haven’t had a job in like forever so I can’t afford to go tanning, but I want to look good for spring break, ya know? So I bathe in Fanta and hang out with big girls.” – Joshua Armani, unemployed tanaholic.
“When I found out that my sons were going to be pale, I really struggled with whether I should keep them, but in the end I decided, I really wanted to claim them on my taxes. Sure, they’ll never be ‘attractive,’ but that’s just something we all live with.” – Amy Brown, devoted mother of none and tanning machine.
“This year I’m going to Miami for Spring Break. I can’t wait! But I feel so bad for my untan friends who are coming. They’re like really ugly.” -Jamie McSnatch, Currently holds the New Jersey record for the most trips to a tanning salon in one day – 16.
“I love tanning beds. You have to be tan to go on spring break. But I think tan people get hated on too much. Mostly in pageants. They call me a liar when I tell them my age.” – Janelle Amers, 15 years old and Recently Dethroned Junior Miss American FakeBake 2009.
“Sunscreen is for pussies. I ain’t no pussy so I don’t wear none. That’s what’s wrong with America. We all want to wear helmets and sunscreen and let the queers get hitched. Not in my Bible!” – Beau (Just Beau). When I asked Beau his last name he said, “I knew you was one of those Census people. Get off my rental property!”
“I went on spring break once. Everyone was very uptight. All the girls and guys were like, ‘don’t touch my genitals, weirdo.’ But I thought we were all there to party and get tan. Then the police made me take off my hat. I should have stabbed more people.” – Steven Nocanread, convicted sex offender and spring break hater.
“I know ladies think my tan lines are sexy. I can see them looking at me. Last spring break a woman was staring at me and got so excited by what she saw that she puked. It was awesome. Sure, sometimes layers of my skin just fall off, but it’s a small price to pay to be tan on the beach. ” – Robert Kobe, actively looking for wife #9
“If you’re not tan, God help you. During each of my 6 pregnancies, I tanned every day. It was easy once I bought my own tanning bed. It was so comfortable that some nights, I would just sleep in it. I know that’s why all my kids are tan. I only want the best for them.” – Amber McDumfertile, stay-at-home tanner and part-time mom.