Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day – the most drunken time of the year besides Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, 4th of July, Valentine’s Day, Veteran’s Day and Thursday-Sundays. Whatever you do, please don’t get caught participating in any of these Patty’s Day Faux Pas.
1. If while out partying on St. Patty’s Day, you piss your pants, own up to it early. Then head over to everyone’s favorite non-union establishment – Wal-Mart and pick up something with an elastic waistband. DON’T shove your crotch under a bathroom hand-dryer and hope for the best because 1. Dry pee smells. AND 2. You could break a hip trying to manuever under that contraption.
2. Green barf does not mean you are more Irish than the person sitting/lying/passed out on the bar stool next to you. Keep it in your gullet. Only amateurs barf…in public.
3. Sex with a Ginger is totally acceptable and expected on St. Patrick’s Day. Don’t miss this wonderful opportunity to see red on the head and red in the bed.
4. Accessorizing with green scarves/hats on St. Patty’s Day says: “I know very little about the Irish and may only have a junior high diploma, but I like to drink and smile.” Accessorizing with green feather boas and undergarments says: “I will show little to no discretion for what type or how many people I sleep with today. I will wake up in the morning and blame the Guinness or file charges without ever taking a good, long look in the mirror in order to find out why I use every ‘holiday’ as an excuse to punish my genitals.”
5. Kids like St. Patty’s Day too! Don’t leave them home alone or with someone you just met outside of Walgreen’s. Instead, bring them along, but make sure you attach them to one of those kid leashes and tie that to a tree or hot guy/girl you’re trying to get with. Also, make sure the leash is green so your kid looks festive!
6. DON’T celebrate with your spouse/significant other. This will only make it harder for you to cheat on him or her. Party alone and meet up later when you are too drunk, sweaty and annoying for anyone else to touch you.
7. When you drop your cell phone in the restroom toilet/urinal (AND YOU WILL), there is a 6 second rule. Digging for it longer than that is just uncivilized.
8. If you feel like beating someone up on St. Patty’s Day, punch yourself in the face instead.
9. Don’t be that annoying guy/gal screaming into a blow horn about how everyone should expose body parts, “get so wasted,” or die. If you see someone doing this, gently tase them and then destroy their blow horn. This should do the trick.
10. Quit pretending you like or know anything about Flogging Molly. Yes there are some real fans out there…approximately 15, but everyone else is just a holiday opportunist who is trying to up his or her Patty’s Day street cred and no one’s buying it.
11. St. Patrick’s Day is not the time for serious conversations. Your friends are not yet ready to find out about your strange conspiracy theories:
1. Sonic tater tots cause sterility in white males.
2. The Earth is really Mars and BabyRuths are better than Snickers.
3. Aliens paid George Bush trillions of dollars to “act dumb” for 8 years.
4. ARod and Derek Jeter are the same juiced up, man-whoring person.
5. There exists a planet of women who like to go downtown. Doubtful.
12. THE ONLY appropriate people to drunk dial on St. Patty’s Day are the following:
1. Your first grade teacher. It’s time you tell that b*tch why she shouldn’t have held you back 3 times. “You think you’re so special cuz you can read. I know karate and wouldn’t not be afraid to use it.”
2. Your kids. It’s time they know once and for all why you don’t have custody. “It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s just that my new boyfriend/girlfriend and booze are more important to me. You’ll understand when you’re older and doing the same thing to your unwanted kids.”
3. Obama. “Heeyy…OHBummer. What the eff are you doing? Why is my life still messed up? I thought you were a magical unicorn fairy man-wizard who would make cigarettes healthy and cure childhood obesity. You suck! I’m glad I don’t vote!”
Stacey says: “I party with children because adults find me lame and kids can’t tell that these presents are from the dollar store.”
What they’re really thinking: “First chance I get, I’m stabbing her over a dude.”
St. Patrick’s Day is the only holiday where fat, old and festive = DOABLE.