So it’s official. I’m 30 and I’m single.
Now where’s my shower and congratulatory cake!?! I’m registered at The Humane Society (every single gal needs cats Cats CATS) and Outback Steakhouse (there’s nothing like a big piece of med rare meat to remind you life is worth living).
Being newly single puts me back “on the scene.” And let me just tell you, dating/relationships are more confusing than ever. Here are some of my observations of the single lady-life in a drug-addicted world.
1. The more Xanax I take, the more likely I’ll be to show up for the date.
2. If he doesn’t let you smoke his weed, it isn’t love.
3. Ladies, If his dog smells better than him (and most do), change your number.
4. Yes I talked to you for 2 minutes and even smiled, but that does not mean I’m ready to add you to my insurance policy.
5. Birth control is not 100 percent effective so why would I want to waste the possibility of getting fat on you.
6. I consider broke and needy a pre-existing condition and I don’t cover that.
7. Guys, quit crying at movies. You can seriously hurt me. Now act like it!
8. As FINE as you look in that tight bedazzled Affliction t-shirt, I’d still rather see you walk into traffic than walk up to me.
9. If I wanted to split the cost of dinner, I would have went out with one of my annoying lady-friends.
10. If I cry during our date, it’s only because I’m having the best time ever.
11. Ladies, get pregnant on the first date if you want him to leave you alone.
12. Early in the relationship when a guy tells you, “I love how independent, opinionated and strong you are.” That will quickly turn into “I hate how selfish, bitchy and annoying you are.”
13. My new favorite t-shirt reads: I dated a guy for 7.5 years and all I got were these lousy trust issues.
14. Male quote of the decade: “I want to chase you. I wish you played more hard to get,” said the man I lived with for 5 years.
15. If only he spent as much time finding a job as he did on his faux-hawk…
17. Family shouldn’t hit on one another. Family should pretend to like each other during the two holidays we are forced together each year and then talk shit about one another every other chance we get.
18. Go to Plan A before you resort to Plan B. Plan A: Skip the sex. Steal his wallet instead.
What these couples would say, if we cared to listen:
He says: I love how she’s trapped me with 3 kids (one of which isn’t mine) and a delinquent mortgage.
She says: I love banging his brother.
They both say: Of course we’re in love, we’re the same color.