30 is the NEW PREGNANT


For centuries women and men have feared turning 30.  Sure when life expectancy was 27-years-old this made sense, but now people are living to be like 300, according to the The National Enquirer. Apparently, they were able to find a man in Alabama who just celebrated his 300th birthday and shockingly he is still in complete control of his bowels.  So happy birthday, Vern McMadeup.

As I sit here writing, today is the last day of my 20’s and I couldn’t be more excited. Mainly because I only have two choices: (1) Embrace the beginning of a new decade or (2) Drink 332.8 ounces of water until I die of water intoxication. Thank you Yahoo Answers for answering my question: How many ounces of water will kill you?

No longer must we only get excited to procreate, get on worker’s comp (carpal tunnel is a bitch) or breakup someone’s marriage because turning 30 has become the new pregnant. It’s the best thing since Vicodin mixed with vodka…and for all you sobers out there…Redbull mixed with the 5-Hour Energy drink.

Therefore, in order to make me feel better about being pale and turning 30, I’ve put together a list of reasons why 30 is the new pregnant and 20 is the new super smelly fart face age.

Reasons why your 30’s kicks your 20’s ignorant and almost always too thin behind:

1. 20 somethings drink until they vomit. Gross.  While 30 somethings drink until they forget. Smart.

2. 20 somethings go to bars and have one-night-stands. 30 somethings share a nice dinner before their one-night-stands.

3. 20 somethings embellish their “profession” and relationship status. 30 somethings embellish the cost of their homes and cuteness of their kids.

4. 20 somethings are overly dramatic. 30 somethings are apathetic. “I think if the world ended in an hour, eh.”

5. 20 somethings drunk dial their exes. 30 somethings drunk dial their parents. “Why didn’t you breastfeed me!?!”

6. 20 somethings get married because they are “in love.” 30 somethings get married because they have to.  Love? Nah. It’s all about combining 401K’s.

7. 20 somethings get in stupid fights with their plethora of friends. 30 somethings burned those bridges long ago and instead have a smaller group of new friends…who also like to forget.

8. 20 somethings complain about the easy stuff in life like college and working part-time at IHop. 30 somethings complain less and instead count down the days until their office “accidentally” burns down and hope to die before they’ve made a dent in their student loans.  Take that over-priced education.

9. 20 somethings give out their business cards. 30 somethings give away their kids.

10. 20 somethings mean mug and threaten. 30 somethings save the mean looks and just hit you with their cars.

If you think creating life is cool, try turning 30.

Barbie’s advice to 30-year-olds: “Don’t be fat and Ken likes men.”

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