For some reason we all start off the new year by making resolutions that have failure written all over them. And now that we’re one month into this new year, most of us have either given up, never attempted for failed terribly at them.
Here are some unrealistic resolutions that people seem to always make followed by a suggested realistic replacement resolution:
1. I will get in shape this year. Whoa! Don’t go getting ahead of yourself there, chubrock! Cuz chances are, you will only get fatter this year. How about you revise your resolution and say: I will only eat Chipotle every other day or I will get into the shape of a pear and/or watermelon this year.
2. I will love my pets more. Come on…really? You know you can’t keep this resolution. Let’s be real here. You haven’t taken your cat to the vet in 17 years. Even when she lost her eyesight to syphilis, you were the one who turned a blind eye. More realistic resolution: I’ll continue to forget my pets exist. I will travel, ignore and neglect them all throughout 2010.
3. I will not take my life for granted. I will live every day to the fullest. Um…No you won’t. You’ll live by this resolution for about an hour until you start hating your job, kids, spouse, traffic, cell phone reception, etc. Instead your resolution should have been: I’ll stop road-raging on the attractive elderly people, but for all you moldy oldy uggos – tough luck!
4. I will quit smoking/drinking/crack/meth/botox/cheating/carbs/cybersex. We all know you can’t quit your vices. They give you purpose and feed your perversion. Instead your resolution should have been: I will increase my crack, carb and meth usage only when I’m smoking cigs, drinking booze and getting botox injected into my hands to that I will be a more effective cybersexer.
5. I will volunteer this year. WHAT!?! This is my least favorite resolution because we all know you hate doing unselfish stuff. Instead your resolution should have been: I will tell anyone who will listen about my want to volunteer so that they believe me to be a generous person; however, I will never volunteer because volunteering sucks.
6. I will move away from my crazy family this year. Sadly, you’ll probably not make a move this year or ever. Pardon the cynicism, but we all know you are obsessed with the drama and are scared to move too far away from your favorite Wal-Mart. Instead your resolution should have been: I will move out of my brother’s/sister’s/cousin’s place and get my own crib and maybe a checking account.
7. I will start going to church every Sunday. You know you can’t keep this promise because Sunday is your day to get surly drunk at your local bar and then come home, consume a block of cheese with a side of pizza rolls and pass out next to the toilet. That’s been your tradition for over 15 years now and traditions are hard to break. Instead your resolution should have been: I will pray to be the best drunk I can be.
(The EYE of the Tiger clearly, does not always work)
The New Year’s Resolutions of Mr. Tiger Woods:
1. This year I will not hump every waitress I see. I will show discretion when dining at I-Hop, Denny’s and Red Lobster.
2. This year I will not send whiney voicemails to my hoes. Rather, I will only cry and plead in person.
3. This year I will limit my sexual contact with trashy reality tv “stars.” Instead, I’ll only hook up with Biggest Loser contestants.
4. This year I will cheat with men. Men can keep their mouths shut.
