1. (Name) found out that eggnog tastes the same going down as it does coming up.
2. (Name) wishes grandma got run over by a reindeer walking home from our house Christmas Eve. Sadly, she made it home safely and came back Xmas day with gifts. How did she know that I wanted the book “Wasted – Getting Sober For Dummies.”
3. (Name) went to the bar last night and had my armpit violated by thin man with herpes on his lip. I always score the hotties.
4. (Name) didn’t know whether to pet, avoid or offer plastic surgery to my 6 month old nephew. That kid’s never going to get laid.
5. (Name) wasn’t expecting my aunt’s husband to ask me on Christmas, “Did you bring any condoms?” I was unaware condoms were necessary for family Christmas, but now I know so that next year I can stay home and watch the 24-hour marathon of A Christmas Story.
6. (Name)’s kids woke up to empty boxes under the tree. Maybe that’ll teach em that I never wanted them.
7. (Name) ate so much I did split my pants and I wasn’t wearing any underoos. Sorry Great Grandma Gert.
8. (Name) some people want to take the Santa out of Christmas, but they’ll NEVER take the Santa out of me. Repost this if you want to live. Old Saint Nicholas is a vengeful man.
9. (Name) found a one way ticket to rehab in my stocking this morning. Luckily, I was able to sell it for some speedballs.
10. (Name) accidentally stabbed my sister during an intense game of Cranium. Maybe now she’ll know the definition of GALLINULE. Idiot!
11. (Name) if my brother asks, I did not wet the guest bed last night. I told him, his dog must have jumped up on me and peed on the front of my pajama pants.
12. (Name) will never understand why my mother insists on buying me underwear that go up past my belly button. I’m going to be a virgin forever.
13. (Name) got a gym membership for Christmas. And inside the card it read: To my once skinny and now huge wife. With Concern, Your thin and disgusted husband who is about one month away from cheating on you.
What the family thinks when she walks in on Christmas Day:
YAY! Cousin Julie’s here to sit on my husband’s lap and give HJ’s to my dad.
If I were Cousin Julie, I’d be tested for Chlamydia every day.
Hurry! Julie’s here! Hide your sons, daughters, husbands, dogs, cats and elderly relatives. She doesn’t discriminate.
What Brian’s (pictured – middle) family really thinks of him:
I just wish Brian would stop masturbating when we watch The View. It’s my favorite show and it just ruins every episode for me. – His Mom
Brian’s the type of guy who makes you think, Hey my life ain’t so bad afterall. – Brian’s cousin Phil
One time Brian ate one of my guinea pigs. He didn’t even kill it or cook it first. He just took it down in one bite. He’s truly disgusting. – Brian’s little sister Sarah
I think Brian peaked in second grade. – Brian’s dad Brian Sr.