Ho Ho Ho No No’s


The holidays are here and that means it’s time to hang out with those people you try to avoid most of the year, your family. Here are some conversations to avoid when spending the holidays with family.

1. Why did you have me? Probably not the best question to ask your parents when  you’re four glasses of wine or Hennessy in. And really, you already know the answer to this question. They were black out drunk and didn’t use protection and/or your mom was on birth control pills, but those pesky antibiotics she was taking after having dental work done counteracted their effects.

2. Christmas is not a good time to look at that uncle you despise and say: “I wish you would go into cardiac arrest.” Wait till after the new year to express your true want for him to expire.

3. Don’t look at your kids and say, “Damn! All I ever wanted was cats and then you two came along.”

4. Don’t challenge the religious beliefs of family members. For example, now is not a good time to ask your mormon brother-in-law, “Will your after-life planet be filled with assholes like you?”

5. Christmas is also not a good time to tell your cousin that you find their golden lab “rather attractive.”

6. Even though it may have been bothering you for years, I would hold off on asking your parents how they stay married despite your dad’s love of wearing women’s underwear and braziers.

7. Don’t tell your husband, “I’m leaving you to be with your sister.” This is best saved for Valentine’s Day.

8. Try not to greet your cousin at the door with, “Hey. You still got those genital warts?”

9. Don’t use Christmas dinner as a time to auction off your kids to the highest bidder. “So…how much would you give me for Skyler? I’d take $200 bucks. There’s this really cute sweater at Nordstrom’s that I’ve been eyeing.”

10. Don’t ask your grandmother, “Where do you keep your paint thinner? I’m mixing up an awesome batch of meth in your tub.”

11. Christmas is not the time to ask your family, “So how do you feel about murder? Would you judge someone killed…let’s just say his wife?”

12. The holidays are not the best time to admit to pimping out your grandfather to pay for a PS3.

13. Please don’t try to have a heart to heart with your sister about how she needs to apply for the Biggest Loser. How is she supposed to enjoy her eggnog, cheesy mashed potatoes and french silk pie after that?

14. Don’t ask your family members personal questions such as:

  • How many overdrafts have you had this year?
  • Do you really think we like you?
  • Why didn’t you finish junior high?
  • How long are you planning on hiding your teen pregnancy? Teen pregnancy is a serious issue. I know you may be confused since Juno made it look so damn cool.
  • Would you be mad if I put your dog down?
  • Do you want to make-out? (wait till your birthday when they are expected to give you what you want).
  • Would you vote for Sarah Palin? Now is not the time to point out their idiocy.
  • Can you read this to me? You know most of them can’t read.
  • When are you two getting divorced? We all can see it coming.
  • Why didn’t you invite your mistresses?
  • Can you borrow me a little cash? I got to make a run down to Planned Parenthood.

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