Why Facebook is the GREATEST Invention since Mountain Dew

Facebook is quickly becoming popular amongst all age groups. Even the elderly are getting in on the fun. Facebook had previously been utilized by only the most computer literate and internet savvy of people (aka the young). However, today, individuals who only three years prior would have rather thrown their computer out the window than learn how to turn it on,  are blowing up the Book.

A brief history of Facebook:

The  first to settle into the social networking world were young people in their teens and early twenties. Immediately, they made Facebook their virtual drug of choice. They used it as a way to stay constantly connected to friends, enemies and all those in between. No longer did they have to wonder how Morgan, the captain of the high school soccer team was spending her freshman year in college. All a person had to do was search Morgan’s name and WALA, her profile would appear. A friend request could then be sent and if she approved, a person would be privy to Morgan’s new alcoholic life and be witness to the freshman 50 she put on in less than 2 months. Facebook also quickly became the best way to find ex-boyfriends/girlfriends and  see if he/she had a new fatter or crazier significant other. Maybe then you’d find that he or she was still pining after you after all these years via the status update… “(Name) misses his ex. Oh Joleen, you still complete me. Why must I be so inferior to your beauty and brains. Woe is me…”  Overall, Facebook quickily became the ultimate way to reconnect with people you’d rather forget about and cyber-stalk those who you just can’t shake from your head.

So here are only SOME of the reasons why Facebook is the GREATEST invention since Mountain Dew:

  •  Facebook  offers its users a chance to create a new or improved identity. If you are a 15-year-old girl who is desperately counting down the years until your 18th birthday, you can bypass Mother Nature with the click of your mouse. You can be any age you want to be on Facebook. Older men are notorious for lying about their ages. However, they fail to realize that if  they post pics of their 31-year-old daughter, women are usually smart enough to figure out that these men are not 39  years old.
  • If you are overweight, you can just post pictures of skinny people and tag them as yourself. Or you can post pics from a thinner time in your life (for example – infancy) and claim that they are current pictures of you. And of course there is always the  magic of Photoshop. This helps to revise pics of yourself for all to see and envy. Whiten those teeth, cut off half those thunder thighs, erase that double chin and add implants to that chest.  Personally, I am a fan of this option, but I try not to use it excessively. I’ve only Photoshopped 997 of my 1,005 pics; however, don’t go searching for those UN-Photoshopped pics of me because they are set to private.
  • If you were embarrassed to have dropped out of college or high school, no worries, simply pick a college and a year of graduation and no one is the wiser. However, keep your school of choice within reason. Listing yourself as Summa Cum Laude from Collumbyah may reveal your lie.


  •  Facebook allows you to be creative with your job title.
  1. Unemployed? I prefer Entrepreneur.
  2. Stripper? I prefer Professional Lap Warmer.
  3. Trash Collector? I prefer Antique Dealer.
  4. Crystal Meth Dealer? I prefer Pharmacology Student.
  5. Porn Star? i prefer Sex Therapist.
  6. Dishwasher? I prefer make-up artist in Hollywood.
  7. Secretary? I prefer Assistant Regional Manager.
  • Facebook is also great if you don’t have a lot of friends in real life because you can make up for it with virtual friendships. All you have to do is send out nonstop friend requests to acquaintances and strangers alike to create an allusion of  popularity and love. However, show some discretion – 2,345 friends is creepy and makes you seem like that guy who only goes out on Friday and Saturday nights so that he can tell people, “FACEBOOK ME!”
  • Facebook saves lives and offers a reason to live. How many times have we all heard people on the edge who are about to end it all and then realize, “OMG! I forgot to harvest my farm on Farmville! I guess I got to live. LOL!”
  • Facebook allows you a forum to brag about yourself via the infamous FaceBRAG. Despite it’s obvious douchiness, it’s far better to brag on Facebook than real life because you can’t see everyone’s eyes rolling. Common things to FaceBRAG about:
  1. “Look at my dog. Isn’t he the cutest thing since Siamese babies.”
  2. “Look at me, I only eat lettuce and visit the gym 7 times a day. I’m so much better than you.”
  3. “Look at me, I only eat organic and volunteer feeding the elderly apple sauce.”
  4. “Look at me, I’ve never been to jail.”
  5. “Look at me, all my hair is real.”
  6. “Look at me, I think I’m funny and write a blog. Watch my videos and pay attention to me.” – ultimate douche!
  7. “Look at me, my car costs more than your life.”
  8. “Look at me, I have a spouse/significant other who doesn’t cheat on me!”

So thank you Facebook for enriching our lives and giving us a reason to get up each morning.

Facebook reasons for why this picture exists:

  1. Cuz she likes to DRANK and wants the world to know it.
  2. Cuz it would make a good profile pic. Duh!
  3. Cuz her boyfriend FaceCHEATED and she needed to forget it all.
  4. Cuz her friends secretly hate her.
  5. Cuz she dates a guy who drives a crotch rocket and updates his status 22 times a day.
  6. Cuz she wants to scare her Grandma off Facebook.

17 thoughts on “Why Facebook is the GREATEST Invention since Mountain Dew

  1. This is GOOD Stuff!!
    Like the way you put it.

  2. this really got my interest
    good stuff keep it up~!

  3. “only the most computer literate and internet savvy of people (aka the young)” Did you ever pause to think that “the elderly” (like me) who have been using a computer since before you were born may be computer-literate?

    1. It’s comedy dude…not reality. Calm down. Geez.

  4. Biggest pile of none sense ever written!!!!

    1. No George, your spelling faux pas is the biggest pile of nonsense ever written.

  5. facebook is great and so other communication systems but remember we are not living just for FACEBOOK or just for visual world that new world offers,i myself prefer a world without no technology that gives me a free time to be alone with night sky,although im using my laptop every day.i think mankind is so lost in surface,remember our soul is more deeper than just few clicks,we are just MORE to be lost in something WE made,we made visual world,dont let it ruin mankinds real purpose to save our soul;-)

  6. Brian Shurette June 19, 2010 — 3:25 am

    Outstanding (you)!! I seriously love this. WHO ARE YOU?

    1. It’s me!!! Follow me on Twitter and I’ll follow you :) http://twitter.com/jomarlu

  7. wow do write

  8. Fantastic article, you’ve got some serious writing talent.

  9. o m y g o d tehran

  10. I :love: this! I cant begin to describe the detail and care that must have went into this. This is a big :) in my books!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close