After searching the WONDERFUL WORLD OF Facebook, I have found the BEST HOLIDAY Status Updates for the week of Nov 24th – Dec 1st 2009.
1. (Name) cannot believe my wife put her hands in another man’s turkey.
2. (Name) just got back from the hospital. Apparently, babies can’t live off cranberry sauce alone. Don’t be telling me how to raise my kids.
3. (Name) will never again buy a Turkey from Big Lots. How was I supposed to know? They were so conveniently displayed in a card board box in front of the store.
4. (Name) had a GREAT holiday. Finally told my family to F*ck off. Who wants me over on Christmas?
5. (Name) used Thanksgiving at my Grandma’s house as an opportunity to come out of the closet…as a proud Vegan. It didn’t go over so well. My grandma rolled her walker toward me, got all up in my face, called me a whore and threw my Tofurkey in the garbage.
6. (Name) had the worst turkey hangover ever. I woke up naked (from the bottom down) next to my brother-in-law. I was worried, but apparently we got sloshed off turkey/stuffing, blacked out and crapped our pants. Our family took the liberty of cleaning us up and putting us to bed to air-dry. Family matters.
7. (Name) woke up at 1 am, stood in line at Wal-Mart for 8 hours, trampled two elderly greeters, stepped on a baby’s face and broke my front tooth, but I got my kids some Zhu Zhu Pets for Christmas. Thank you Jesus.
8. (Name) was the first one camped outside of Circuit City the night before Black Friday. I was excited after seeing all their sales in the paper. Turned out Circuit City went out of business months ago. I really got to learn how to read. I look forward to one day being a functional illiterate.
9. (Name) was at Target on Black Friday and ran my cart into the back of a 12-year-old girl’s ankles. She cried, but I had to, it was the only way I could get her to drop the last Robot Dog.
10. (Name) is praying for the safe return of all turkeys on this Thanksgiving day. Let us not celebrate one genocide with the genocide of our friend, the turkey. Save all turkeys! Did you know that turkeys have fingernails by 8 weeks in utero. Think about it.
11. (Name) just bought a turkey that was shot by Sarah Palin herself. And it came with a free copy of her new book, “I shoot things; therefore, I should run the US of A. Yee haw!” OMG! How exciting!!!
12. (Name) can’t wait to spend all Thanksgiving day watching my overweight and underpaid uncle shove his emotionally abusive face with turkey, pie and whatever falls on his Minnesota Vikings-colored Zubaz. And if he gets really drunk, we’re in for a special “poor me – why do I put all my money in slot machines” treat. Happy Holidays!!
What these “people” are thinking:
“I can’t wait to get me a microwave for $5 off.” – Wendy (Scottsdale, AZ)
“If I don’t buy my kids a new babysitter (Nintendo Wii, Playstation, etc…), I can’t go to the bar every night.” – Constance (St. Paul, MN)
“I just like mashing up on people. I don’t really like to shop all that much. It’s magical when our genitals touch.” – Stan (Phoenix, AZ)
“I’m looking to buy a pet alligator for cheap.” – Louise (Clearwater, FL)
“Black Friday hook-ups are the best. I’m here for the working ladies.” – Tiger Woods (Orlando and wherever he is lying down his pipe)
“I heard they were giving away a free styrofoam cup to the first 55 people at the door.” – Wally (Des Moines, IA)