Signs that it may be time for you to end your relationship:
1. HIS stuffed animal collection is taking up the entire bed. You have resorted to sleeping on the floor with his seven cats. RUN!
2. She sat on your dad’s lap again this past Thanksgiving…without her pants on.
3. He’s been sexting back and forth with a vegan/massage therapy school drop-out about what he “wants” to do to her. Excuse me? Not only is this hurtful, but it is also embarrassing. I mean what kind of pansie are you dating that he can’t close the deal with a vegan. Everyone knows vegans are easy.
4. She leaves you so she can backpack around Europe on her own for 3 months. She says it’s to “find herself” and “see the world,” yet she sends you one postard, calls twice and only comes back with pictures showcasing night after night of binge drinking, rubbing on other men and sleeping in co-ed hostel rooms. Despite her excuses, no, she will not get a better night’s sleep by pushing her bunk bed together with those of random German dudes.
5. He or She has a lock on their cell phone. There are only 3 reasons people lock their cell phones with secret codes:
1. Cuz they are cheaters.
2. Cuz they are secretly gay.
3. Cuz they are like 70 years old and can’t figure the damn thing out.
6. After you have been dating 8 years, you ask, “What’s the next step for us in this relationship?” And your significant other says: “I was thinking Arby’s for dinner. I could really go for a couple beef and cheddars. Can you borrow me 10 bucks?”
7. He’s driving his “friend” who just happens to be a lady down to the free clinic while you’re at work.
8. She quits her job so that she can go back to school while you continue to work full-time. Then instead of studying or going to class, she spends her days over at your unemployed douche bag neighbor’s apartment smoking his weed and drinking whatever concoction he has roofied up for her. Get out now and remember, never date a chick in bartending school – ever again!
9. He’s always having to use your computer since his computer is constantly infected with crazy viruses from all the “specialty” sites he frequents. sexygiraffelove.com is not a site that “all the dudes are on these days.” Get out now and call Peta!
10. She tells you: “No, I’m not gay. I only play one when I’m drinking.” Eventually she’ll figure out her lesbian ways and send you packing. Be warned this realization may take years – ala Meredith Baxter (aka Mrs. Keaton) style.
11. He only bathes when your sister is coming over.
12. You want to have a kid, but when you ask him if he wants one he says: “Yah. For sure. Let’s adopt…a hot 19-year-old.” Note to the reader: he did not distinguish whether the “hot 19-year-old” be male or female. Therefore, not only is he a perv, but he may be bi as well.
13. He can and will sing the entire soundtrack to The Little Mermaid and Aladdin. That’s just creepy.
14. She thinks you’re rich because you have indoor plumbing. That’s what you call Anna Nicole Smith Syndrome. Soon she’ll be maxing out your credit card on saline, silicone, botox, lip-liner, hair bleach and KFC.
15. He and his friends are constantly going on what they call “Mancations” where he and his man-friends spend weekends in a deserted cabin in the middle of the woods so that they can drink cosmopolitans, read US Weekly, giggle and sit around in their hip hugger boy shorts. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. Beware…it happened to a friend of mine.
16. He or she says/asks things like:
a. You know that treadmill ain’t going to run itself, fatty.
b. I think I settled.
c. Has your body always been that gross?
d. What’s your hot friend up to tonight?
e. When you die, can I have your car?
I work at Target. He works at Kohls. It’ll never work.
Ugh! I just can’t date someone who doesn’t wear red on World Aids Day.
…With me? Fine! I’m in love with our Golden Retriever, anyways!
…with me? How could you do this to me during the season finale of Amercia’s Next Top Model!?!