If I said these things, I’d be a liar:

1. It hurts when I eat. So I don’t.

2. My inability to cook brings all the boys to the yard. And they’re like, it’s better than yours. I can teach you, but i’d have to charge.

3. My cat and I; we have the best conversations.

4. After 7 years and you  still don’t know what you want?  That’s totally cool. Take your time. I’ll just be waiting here listening to my ovaries cry.

5. Vegans are good people.

6. My skinny jeans just aren’t skinny enough.

7. I wish everyone would stop being so jealous of my tan.

8. Thank you Mr. David Sedaris. It is a pleasure to be your favorite writer.

9. No, my co-worker’s breath does NOT smell like regurgitated Easy Mac.

10. I love duck hunting. There is nothing better.

11. Your dreadlocks smell delicious Mr. white hippie man.

12. Why yes, I would love to sit here and listen as you explain to me why the WNBA sucks and why women just shouldn’t play sports or show their faces in public.

13. NO, I have never told a woman that she has a face like she was born in a bar.

MIDWEST SIDE! Can’t get enough of this gangsta sh$#.