Stuff I learned from public school and reality tv.

Here is a list of stuff I’ve learned that I’d like to pass onto the world wide web.

You probably know all of this stuff too considering it should be fairly common knowledge, but let’s review…

WARNING what you are about to read below is extremely pretentious.

1. NEVER trust a woman who claims that she “just can’t be friends with other females.” Or says things like “I just get along with men better.” Um no. This is not good. What she’s really saying: “I have a hard time being friends with other women because I am constantly trying to steal/sleep/flirt with their men.” 

2. NEVER trust a man who says: “I just get along better with chicks.” What his statement really means: “I’d rather hang out with ppl who I can have sex with” (gay men excluded from this generalization…obviously).

3. It’s the height of rudeness to view an Evite sent to you multiple times and never respond. Responding with yes or no is far more appropriate. Viewing it multiple times just make the organizer think you are waiting to see if anyone cooler is attending.

4. Family Guy got it right again…All hot chicks with a camera think they are photographers and all emotional faux-hawked dudes with a guitar think they’re Clapton, Vaughn, King, Young or one of the many greats they’ve never even listened to.

5. Candy corn contains nicotine.

6. If you’re going to get knocked up, try to go back to public high school. They have the most cost-effective daycare.

7. Heidi Montag is the worst thing to happen to music since Auto-tune.

8. Bragging about your veganism is just a fancy way for you to forget about all the other aspects of your life where you’re a complete and utter failure.

9. You must be a junior to shop in the junior’s section. 40-50 something divorcees, I’m talking to you!

10. I’ve been getting grey hairs popping up on my head since I was 22 years old. More proof of global warming (shout out to Joe Soucheray for borrowing his line).

11. Everyone on the Real World should read more than they binge drink. Us Weekly and/or Zombie Magazines are not books.

12. There’s a limit to the amount of times you can friend and then defriend someone on Facebook. 2 times ppl! It’s FaceLAW.

13. Constantly talking about/referring to bands that you think are “cool” or “underground” does not make you either of those things.

14. Dentists are car salesman with latex gloves and an H1N1 mask.

15. When is it appropriate to tell someone: “I don’t shut up, I grow up and when I look at you I throw up.”  I chose to during my year-end review at work. Not recommended.

16. If you drink 7 Mountain Dews a day and say, “Yuck” when someone offers you a glass of water, don’t be surprised when you get kidney stones.

Okay. That’s all for now.

Keep it real. Real tubular.

new tatt

Fun Fact:

After appearing on Judge Judy multiple times for being a deadbeat dad and suing his wife for the return of his beloved XBox, David commemorated his television experience with this $700 Judge Judy tattoo. Way to go David! Now only $40,678 in back child support to go until he’s current! USA!

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