Don’t be Tardy for the Party!


We Midwesterners are all over the place. No longer do we only graze and live solely on flat lands near large bodies of water that freeze solid in the winter months. We are also transplants in many cities across the nation.  Since we from the Midwest are popping up all over the country, it is important that others take note of our likes, dislikes and how we operate. Why, you might ask? Well, because we are a charming people who when you meet us, you’ll immediately be drawn to us. You’ll instantly feel an incredibly strong urge to call us your BFF. Therefore, it is important for you (the non Midwesterner or former Midwesterner who’s forgotten his or her roots) to know what makes us tick and what makes us want to BFF you right back.

Here are some TIPS to getting a Midwesterner to attend YOUR PARTY (Believe me. These work!):

1. When sending out a party invitation to someone who once lived or currently lives in the Midwest, instead of referring to your party as a cocktail party or soiree. Rename your party any of the following:
a. Booya
b. State Fair
c. VFW
d. Garage Sale
e. Winter Carnival
f. St. Patrick’s Day
g. The Cabin

h. and our favorite of all…the BEER BUST! What’s a beer bust you might ask? We don’t know. Essentially it’s just another excuse to get faded off cheap beer.
Any of these are sure to bring all the Midwest peeps to your shindig.

2. Serve the following crockpot foods at your party:
a. Cocktail weenies swimming in some kind of bbq sauce.
b. Hotdish with a full layer of cheese baked on top of it.
c. Chili
d. Meatballs – In the Midwest we have a deep attraction to meat and balls.
e. Some kind of dip that includes sour cream, bacon, sour kraut
and cream cheese.
Non crockpot foods that are also acceptable: a veggie tray with mainly the “candy” veggies like cucumbers and baby carrots with a bucket full of ranch on the side; MEAT (as long as it doesn’t have the words veggie or turkey in front of it – ie turkey burgers); Doritos (Cool Ranch is a Midwest favorite); cheese curds or any deep fried delight; and any type of Casserole (again don’t be stingy on the cheese and/or sour cream).

3. Don’t just set your party’s dress code as “casual.” Instead, be very specific. Examples of what people in the Midwest enjoy wearing to parties:
a. pajama and/or fat pants (must have drawstring).
b. hooded sweatshirts
c. ball caps to either hide the static in our winter hair or show off our love of hunting/fishing/ or our C-League recreational/beer drinking softball team.
d. Carhartts
e. Sweatshirts and/or sweaters with puff paint.
f. Our old high school sports/team jerseys. Midwesterners are hella sentimental.

4. Don’t waste your money on fancy air fresheners and candles. Instead, spray a little deer piss around the party and the inner-hunter in us goes crazy.

5. Don’t go worrying about making a fire in your fire place to create ambiance. Midwesterners far prefer burning shit in the middle of the backyard (bonfire-style). Some of our favorite things to watch burn are: patio furniture, beer cans and the neighbor’s trampoline (we in the Midwest are good at holding secret jealous grudges).

6. Don’t brag about your fancy imported beer or wine selection at the party. People from the Midwest find this pathetic and quite douchilicious. Instead, serve canned beer (preferably a light or local light brew) with can koozies. Anything less would be uncivilized.

7. Let us bring our dogs. Most likely we like our dogs more than we like you so we’ll appreciate you allowing us to invite our real best friend(s).

8. If possible (weather permitting), throw your party on a pontoon or water trampoline. Nothing makes a Midwesterner want to be your friend more than when you have one or (in a perfect world) both of these things.

9. Let us watch your cable. Not that we don’t have our own cable television, but maybe you have a channel we don’t and if so, it will be impossible for us not to find the nearest recliner (with built in cup holders – you better have one of these) and watch television until the beer runs out or we fall asleep.

10. Sell pull tabs at your party. Pull tabs serve as a way to gamble away our paychecks and exercise (pulling those tabs is our cardio workout for the week).

11. Have the party in your basement. Basements are special to Midwesterners, they are the place where they get loaded and take cover when serious weather hits. Make sure you have built your own basement bar where we can sit back, relax and look at all the neon beer signs while you fix us drinks. If you don’t have a basement (Arizonans know what I’m talking about), just remember – if you build it, Midwesterners will come.

And there you have it. These tips/tricks will make your party #1 in the eyes of any good Midwesterner.

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