A Letter to Self Tanner

Dear Self Tanner,

Why must you be so orange. No offense to the color orange because I think it to be a beautiful color, especially in the fall, but on my skin, it just doesn’t look right. Had there ever been an orange race of people, I may have never thought to write this letter, but since orange is only found in fruit, vegetables, reptiles, fish, plants and clothing, I stand orange and unhappy. I rub you onto my legs, arms, stomach, back and chest in order to create the illusion that I am not dead. I long to obtain that sun-kissed glow that all the commercials claim you can provide. However, after each application, I don’t appear to be kissed by the sun, but rather drowned in a vat of SunKist Orange Soda.

Also, why must you collect in between my fingers and toes staining them a dark brown color, which forces me to hide inside mittens and socks during the summer time? Can’t you create a product that does not streak or darken on your nails, elbows and knees? Is that really so difficult?

And lastly, what is up with your smell? Why can’t you smell of lilacs or vanilla, fresh linen or even clean infants? Instead you smell of mosquito repellent, a litter box and gasoline. There are worse things than being ghostly white and walking around all day smelling like gasoline is one of them.

So please Self Tanner, make a product that looks like I was really blessed by the sun gods; smells of floral arrangements or freshness; and doesn’t stain my skin so badly that others think that I have jaundice. Until then, I will continue to curse your name and warn others of your “dangerous” side effects.

Pale Gurl

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