Last night I ate at Outback Steakhouse. As always my food was pretty tasty; however, the service I received was just annoying. Having previously been a server myself for over six years, I often empathize with my server and tip well over 20 percent at each restaurant. Normally, it would take A LOT for me to complain or not tip well. I always give the benefit of the doubt whether I get served the wrong meal, my soda refills go unfilled, the server takes an extra long smoke break and only checks back to hand me the bill, or if I should find a large chunk of glass in my chef salad (true story). However, my Outback server, Dan was the definition of why some people tip bad.
Here is a break down of all the things Dan did while serving me at Outback and all the reasons why Dan needs to be fired or doomed to a career as a food runner.
1. Instead of standing by our table to take our order like a normal server would, Dan made sure to sit down right next to me in the booth. He then glanced over at my boyfriend and and asked me, “Is he going to get mad that I’m sitting so close to you?” He laughed as if it were funny – it wasn’t. I wanted to tell Dan, “No, he won’t get mad, but I might kick you in your man-zone for touching my thigh with your thigh and having breath that reeks of anus.”
2. When my boyfriend and I ordered two sodas, Dan ignored us and instead listed all of Outback’s beer choices. No thanks Danny-boy, but you can’t talk me into buying what you refer to as a “delicious import” beer like Fosters. I’d rather drink Red Dog with a curdled milk chaser.
3. When he delivered our sodas to the table he stated “Here’s your two exciting sodas.” Seriously Dan, this isn’t Showtime at the Apollo. If it were, we would have gotten the broom out and boo’d your ass off the stage at first glance. Save the jokes for the funny people and bring me my damn dinner salad.
4. Once Dan delivered our food, he decided to sit down next to me again. His breath smelled worse now as if he had just chewed an entire pack of Orbitz’s new anus and vomit flavored gum. As I was about to take the first bite of my $12.99 Outback Special sirloin, Dan started asking my boyfriend and I what we did for a living. Once we both answered, he immediately started telling us about his “real job.” He made sure to remind us another 29 times during our meal serving at Outback was only a temporary thing until his “property management” business took off. He then pulled out a business flyer and handed one to each of us. Apparently Dan has left all of his business cards at home. Um, yeah, right. I imagine that his business cards consist of loose leaf pieces paper that he wrote his name, telephone number and “property manager” title on when he was high last night. He keep going on and on about ideas for his business. I was finishing the last bite of my sirloin before he said, “I’m sorry, I have to check on another table. I’ll be right back to finish my story.” It was at that moment that I was convinced I must have done something so vile in a previous life that the karma police thought it only fair to bring Dan into my life.
5. When Dan returned to our table, he again sat next to me, breath-stank and all, and continued on about his business. He then asked my boyfriend for his number so that they could “maybe grab some drinks sometime” and he could “bounce some ideas off of him.” No Dan. That’s definitely not what you do as a server at a steakhouse. This isn’t some networking seminar downtown. And we’re not a bunch of overzealous douchers who pay $100 for a dry Waldorf salad and the chance to network with other douchers who aspire to make it out from taking orders in the Wendy’s drive thrus windown one day.
Morale of this story:
Dan needs to be punished. For Dan’s most heinous server crimes, I suggest that he be sentenced to a life of server purgatory at Denny’s. Where he will serve people who will not hesitate to tell him to “Shut up” and tip him in pennies that reek of tobacco.
(You don’t have to lie! You know you don’t order the veggies at Outback. Garlic mashed potatoes all the way!)