Today is St. Patrick’s Day – the most drunken time of the year besides Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, 4th of July, Valentine’s Day, Veteran’s Day and Thursday-Sundays. Whatever you do, please don’t get caught participating in any of these Patty’s Day Faux Pas.
1. If while out partying on St. Patrick’s Day, you piss your pants, own up to it early.
DO take a trip to everyone’s favorite non-union establishment: Walmart and pick up a nice pair of green sweatpants. Then on your way out, you can throw your piss pants at unsuspecting Walmart shoppers. Those low prices come with a price. And so often that price is piss.
DON’T shove your crotch under a bathroom hand-dryer and hope for the best for the following reasons:
- Dried pee pants smell worse than your breath after seven hours of drinking green beer.
- There’s probably someone passed out under the hand-dryer and it’d be rude to wake him/her/it.
2. Green barf does not mean you are more Irish than the person sitting/lying/passed-out on the bar stool next to you. Keep it in your gullet. Only amateurs barf…in the bar. Save it for the cab ride home.
3. Relations with a Ginger is totally acceptable and expected on St. Patrick’s Day. Don’t miss this wonderful opportunity to experience the magic of red on the head and red in the bed.
4. Kids like St. Patty’s Day too! Don’t leave your offspring at home alone or with someone you just met outside of Walgreen’s. Instead, be a responsible parent…bring them along while you drink the day and night away. Attach your kid(s) to one of those child leashes and then tie that leash to a tree or hot guy/girl you’re trying to get with. And make sure the leash is green so your kid feels a part of the party while he/she/them cry out, “Mommy, please untie me. Wake up, Mommy. You said we can’t put our faces on the street cuz it’s yucky. You’re yucky. I’m scared. Mommy! Mommy! The police man says if you don’t wake up I have to go with him.”
5. DON’T celebrate with your spouse and/or significant other. This will only make it harder for you to cheat on him or her. Party alone and meet up later when you are too drunk, sweaty and annoying for anyone else to be interested in you.
6. When you drop your cell phone in the restroom toilet/urinal (AND YOU WILL), there is a 6 second rule. Digging for it longer than that is just uncivilized.
7. If you feel like beating someone up on St. Patty’s Day, punch yourself in the face instead.
8. Don’t be that annoying person screaming into a megaphone about how everyone should expose their genitals. Also, we all know you’re wasted so there’s no reason to shout it outloud over and over and over again. If you witness someone doing this, find a car and run them over.
9. Quit pretending you like Flogging Molly. Yes there are some real fans of their music out there (approximately 15), but everyone else is just jumping on the bandwagon to Lame Town, USA. I’ve seen clogged toilets with more talent than Molly and her Flogging.
10. St. Patrick’s Day is not the time for serious conversations. Now is not the time to share with your friends all of your conspiracy theories. Save these for Memorial Day Weekend.
- Sonic tater tots cause sterility in white males.
- The Obama Care Website is really just the Tumblr of an illegal baby. Every time someone signs up for it, that baby gets vaccinated…FOR FREE!
- The State of Florida is just a glitch in the Matrix. (Although that one is true, your friends are too drunk to understand)
- There exists a super fun secret island off the coast Japan invented by the Illuminati. It’s a magical place where women never cry and men never leave. The sand is one giant bouncy house and the trees are made of Skittles and french fries. There are no taxes, you are never afraid and no one ever gains a pound. However, organized religion has placed a forcefield around it for fear that if the public knew of its Heavenly existence, there would be no need for religion.
12. THE ONLY appropriate people to drunk dial on St. Patrick’s Day are the following:
- Your first grade teacher. It’s time you tell that b*tch why she shouldn’t have held you back twice. “Oh hi there Mrs. Annen. Or should I say, fart mouth! You think you’re so special cuz you can read? Well I know karate.”
- Your kids. It’s time they know once and for all why you don’t have custody. “It’s not that I don’t love you. It’s just that my new boyfriend/girlfriend and booze are more important to me. You’ll understand when you’re older and doing the same thing to your unwanted kids thanks to our shitty genetics.”
- President Obama. “Heeyy…OHBummer. What the eff are you doing? Why is my life still messed up? I thought you were a magical unicorn fairy man-wizard who would make cigarettes healthy and cure childhood obesity. You suck! I’m glad I don’t vote!”
And there you have it. Party on, freckles!
I’m not drunk. My boobs are just really heavy today.
My girl wants to vomit all the time. Vomit all the time. Vomit all the tiiiiiime.
Leave me alone! It’s a party and I’ll beat up this little boy if I want to!
Dude, seriously. You’re getting too wasted. You just put on some puka shells.
I’m so pissed. There’s a dude in detox wearing the exact same shirt as me.
Come here boy. I got fillings older than you.
I don’t need no f*cking holiday. I party hard every Monday.