Pale Gurl’s Sex Advice

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Sex has been really big in Europe for like hundreds of millions of years  now (I’m not good at math or history). And in the past 20 years or so, it has also become quite popular in the United States. This is thanks in large part to 1993 Pam Anderson and Internet Porn – just a click of the mouse and a few flicks to the wrist and you are in love…romantical. Despite its recent success, many Americans still have a lot of questions regarding all things naked. In order to educate my homeland about doing it, here is some advice from yours truly, PALE GURL.

Sex Advice for the US of A:

1. Don’t get undressed  until he/she intimidates you. You don’t want to come off “easy.” Therefore, when things start steaming up, don’t just voluntarily take off your underoos – wait until he/she says, “If we don’t do IT right now, I won’t pay your rent!” Remember that communication is the cornerstone to good relations.

2. Ladies, don’t listen to John Mayer and refer to your body as a Wonderland. This guy spent thousands of dollars on phone sex in 2005 (he’s living with his pants down and a cordless phone on his shoulder in the dark ages) so he is far from a sexpert.  Instead – listen to 311 and refer to your body as a Beautiful Disaster. An instrument that produces tons of gross, smelly stuff and one that you verbally abuse on a daily basis, yet guys still want to see it naked. It’s really a miracle.

3. Be patriotic when getting romantic. Put an America Flag on the ceiling above your air mattress before you get down. Then when you are finished, stand up with your hand over your heart and proudly say the Pledge of Allegiance.

4. Be the 1 percent. Take a lot from your partner and give back or pay out very very little. This is how you will be rich with pleasure.

5. Ladies, if sex really isn’t your “thing,” marry a wonderful man like Marcus Bachmann. That lucky little, Michele. She never has to take her Spanx off.

6. Don’t be afraid to multi-task during intimate time. Americans are known for their ability to be doing many things at once yet succeeding in none of them. So don’t ignore that incoming text message, taking the dog for a walk or finishing  Hunger Games. Someone who truly loves you will understand.

7. Sex is best if you save yourself for your second marriage. Peace be with you.

8. If you make a baby together, never make that baby feel too loved. No one of substance or real success has ever come from parents who really REALLY love them.

9. Use protection. Shampoo is a great way to keep your hair clean and it also works as a spermicide. I know this because Molly Pregen told me that in 7th grade and she knew her stuff. By 7th grade she got with so many guys that she got ring worm.

10. Kids, don’t watch MTV. The teen moms on Teen Mom are cool and will make you want to do it. They get to be on the cover of In Touch Magazine, get hand tattoos, bleach their hair, smoke weed and sleep in their cars - fun!

11. Don’t sext UNLESS you’ve completed at least 6 days of the P90X  program.

Pic Comments!

The Champagne Buzz: Creates the illusion of love and contentment during each New Year’s Eve celebration.

The Champagne Drunk: Creates an order of protection and an appearance on Judge Judy.

Relationship advice:

Never trust the man tank top with the matching pomade-creating faux hawk. And if he wears a lot of jewelry, he’s secretly on Plenty of Fish.

Wear sunglasses whenever you are intimate with one another. Then you can avoid that awkward question, “Why are you always closing your eyes?”

Intercourse: Anyone can do it.

Pale Gurl and her future husband. 

Like I said, save yourself for your second marriage. The one that really counts.

Why is everyone speculating that Beyonce and Jay-Z used a surrogate to birth their daughter Blue, yet no one has questioned Marcus and Michele Bachmann? That’s racist.

Math:

Twins + Twins= Babies born wearing neon fanny packs.

Twins + Twins = -8

Twins + Twins = Illiteracy

Twins + Twins = A reality show on the E! Network.

Please allow your spray tans to dry for at least 3 hours before intimacy to avoid streaking.

What NOT to do says me

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Everyday, people across our great nation are acting inappropriately in public. Whether it be hugging a cactus because he or she wanted to get the “best” profile pic on the ol’ Facebook page or doing it with a transient in the  Ross Dress for Less dressing room, bad behavior is everywhere.

Here are a few tips for both Guys and Gals  on What NOT to do/say while in Public:

Ladies First:

1. Don’t wear super tight white shorts that you have to pull down by the crotch every couple of seconds. Especially if you are over 40. What’s wrong with a little length? And at your age, you  should know that your baby door needs to breathe. You might as well fall asleep in your wet swimsuit or your tights!

2.  Don’t drop your Dexatrim pills  on the ground and then expect me not to say, “You don’t want to lose those now do you, fatty!?!”

3. Don’t just say you like guns because your latest boyfriend does. No girls like going to the gun range. Guns are boring. Sleeveless t-shirts and machetes are sexy.

4. Don’t go to a club and claim that some guy lifted up your dress. That’s a lie. Everyone knows it’s just a shirt that you refer to as a dress and “lifting it up” just means that you bent over to pick up your morning after pill.

5.

Don’t act like you’re having the best time EVER with your “lady-friends” while out to dinner or at a bar. We all know that given the chance you’d bang any of their boyfriends and sit on their cat. Let’s be real, these bitches are only your friends because the last group of female dogs you ran with de-friended you on Facebook after you got drunk and fondled one of their nanny’s.

6.

Just because you LOVE kitties, doesn’t mean you need to dress up as one EVERY Halloween. Plus don’t try to outsexy kitties. Kitties are sexier than you because they don’t have to medicate their genitals after a “really fun weekend.”

7.

Don’t waste your time cyber-bullying your teenage daughter’s “friends.” You’re an adult so act like one. Instead, cyber-bully your husband’s girlfriend. She’s the one who left her thong in your Camry.

8.

Don’t join a book club under the guise that you just love reading. We all know these groups should really be called, “Because no one else will hang out with us, I guess we’ll pretend to read together.”

9.

Don’t be all emo and try to make a social statement through high school/community college  photography. No, not everyone is beautiful. That’s why some people do a half- ass job dyeing their hair and cake on the black eyeliner. That’s why God invented Hot Topic.  I kid. I kid. Those Hollister kids are just as gross.

Men Second:

1. Don’t talk about working out. We don’t care. Just work out, look good, pay off my student loans and STFU. 

2.

Don’t ever do this. Whatever this is. It’s not right and music shouldn’t be blamed for it. When you do/act like this, the vegans win.

3.

Don’t act old and drunk, but do carry a pen in the front pocket of your shirt. You  never know when they’ll be coming round your friend Bob’s apartment asking you to pay that back child support or sign over your rights to your kids.

4.

Don’t high-five, fist bump or half-hug your guy friends – that’s all weak! If you want to show your dominance, mount every guy you meet from behind. Now that’s hard-core.

5.

Don’t be that guy that’s always complaining about never having a girlfriend or dental insurance. Man-up! Quit randomly chatting with 14-year-old boys on Skype, put a shirt on and brush your teeth. And if all that fails, gay for pay is a very lucrative career-path that will afford you dental insurance and temporary companionship.

6.

Don’t get a pic of your wife tattooed on your arm immediately after you get married. Wait till she loses weight. You don’t want your second wife to think she has the upper-hand in your marriage just because she’s less of a tub-of-lard than your first wife.

7.

Do love cats. Contrary to popular belief, guys who love cats aren’t creepy. Guys who pet your little brother are. But don’t subject that cat to “family” portraits, Cosby sweaters, a rat-tail hairstyle and laser lights just because you are trying to prove that you’re secure in your choice of pet.

8.

Don’t show off or brag because you can take one sip of brown liquor. It doesn’t impress the ladies. You know what does?? Chugging battery acid and then NOT calling 911 when you get sick and start to cry.  HAWT!

See Jill. See Jill drink AGAIN…

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Happy almost St. Patrick’s Day. Aka Amateur Day. AKA Palegurl’s FAVORITE lady-drunk, Jill’s day to shine! Like only she can.

This is Jill. See Jill drink until she throws up onto her parent’s carpet.

If you don’t remember Jill’s St. Patty’s Day escapades from last year, feel free to  scroll down and find her story.

This year Jill plans to party harder than she’s ever partied before. Actually she has been pre-gaming since Monday. Her drink of choice this year – Everclear and Diet Peach Snapple. This drink guarantee’s Jill will get so crunked, she won’t feel a thing. A thing.

I recently spoke with a clearly intoxicated Jill at 8 am this morning  about her plans for this, her most sacred week of the year.  Enjoy!

Palegurl:  So what’s on the agenda for this week?

Jill: Well, I feel like I’m a canary because I really like Tigers, but they don’t like me – ya know? (she briefly passes out) Do you want to see my cesarean scar?

Palegurl: You have a kid?

Jill: Doi. Like of course. I  wanted to be a mom since 5th grade. In 7th grade, my dream came true and I had a baby girl. But I gave her to my parents.  It’s not like I didn’t want her, but I already had to take care of my cat, Bubble Farter. And my parents have a pool. (Jill stares at me as if she has forgoten who I am) Do you know Dirtball Devin?

Palegurl: Can’t say I do.

Jill (squeals): You don’t know Dirtball Devin!?! She’s like my partner in shots. She can take like a bar full of shots and still not pass out while hooking up with dudes at after-parties in Tempe. (Spits on my lips as she whispers to me – almost touching my face) Sshh…like don’t tell her I’m telling you, but she told me her number.

Palegurl: Number of guys she’s been with?

Jill: Duh! What other number is there, bitch?

Palegurl: Quite a few.

Jill: Sshh. Her number is 269. Can you believe it? 69! It’s like fate.

Palegurl: I’m sure you’re close.

Jill: Totally. How old are you? Like 48?

Palegurl: I’m 31.

Jill: Dude!?! Do you have grandkids n shit?

Palegurl: No. I don’t even have kids.

Jill: Oh…I get it. It’s supes dupes late for you. You’re that thing…like you’re too dry to give life.

Palegurl: Sure. So where are you headed this year on St. Patty’s Day?

Jill: Oh, I don’t know. Somewhere with a bar and maybe a bull cuz that’s like authentic to Irish people and stuff. You should totally come with and show your tits. Sometimes I ride bulls at bars with a random  girl. We do it reverse cow-girl. After that so many  guys lift up our skirts. Last year it got so annoying so we just took them off.

Palegurl: That sounds fun for you.

Jill: Yeah. I’m sure we’ll be on Mill Avenue. But if any of those greasy, dreaded no homes people try to touch me before I get drunk, I’ll yell fire and then throw my cig on them. But like, I’m not a total bitch. After Midnight, I’ll give them some play. EXCEPT for that girl with the 3 teeth and the pit bull. I have standards n shit. 4 teeth and a Yorkie is one thing, but she’s like gag me with a meth pipe gross.

Jill changes into just a bikini top and makes me touch her cesarean scar and then brush her hair.

Jill: No, dumbass! You’re doing it wrong! You gotta rat the top of my hair  and then straighten my bangs and then spray the shit out of it. What are you from like the year 2000?

Palegurl: Yes.

Jill is now on her 9th glass of Everclear and Diet Peach Snapple.

Jill: Don’t you feel bad for fat people?

Palegurl: Um…

Jill: It’s like they are there, but no one wants bang them. That’s like a tragedom.

Palegurl: Do you mean a tragedy?

Jill: Show me your tits! Come on. You’re boresville to the max!

Palegurl: I would, but I’m pre-maturely lactating and I’d hate for it to squirt out into your eye and make you go blind.

Jill: Colorblind? Ewwwww.

Jill sits legs crossed on the carpet of her living room and pukes on the floor.

Jill: Oopsie. It just fell out.

Jill tries to clean it up with her hand.

Jill: Can you hand me that box of wine?

Palegurl: Maybe you should just chill for a second.

Jill: No way. Whenever I puke I know, it’s time for White Zin!

Palegurl: Are you celebrating with anyone this year?

Jill: Well, I was going to go with Moranica, Liberty and Kennedy. I work with them at Souper Salad, but it’s like they are supes jealous of me and can’t even fit into extra small dresses at Ross. I just don’t know if I can fly with that mess.  I really try to stick  to my morals.

Palegurl: Interesting.

Jill: If I don’t go with anyone, I’ll just probably get up on some bar and shake my ass until I get sleepy.  Someone is bound to pick me up off the floor.

See Jill celebrate St. Patty’s Day from 3/3/11-Easter Sunday, which is the day Jill refers to as God’s turn to get drunk.

This is how I found Jill ten minutes after our interview.

Jills “friend” Liberty was yelling at her: “Get up skank! You didn’t finish  your Irish Car Bomb.”

Jill’s “friend” Moranica:

I’m like so Jager-depressed.

Has anyone seen my eyeball?

Dear God, It’s me Moranica. Can you please make sure the urine I left in this corner of the bar disappears? If you help me today, I’ll never let another one of my boyfriends talk me into a six-some.

Jill:

Oh. My. God. This is my buttplug brother’s skeez of a GF. Aren’t her mint Uggs like super gross and stuff? Look at her knees – they’re so grody.

I mean, who barfs in a bathroom?

Jill:

This is just what I do before I drive home.

I’m fine. I can drive. I just need to shut my eyes for a second.

Who stole half the halter from my top?

The cement feels so good on my black-eye.

Tongue kiss me with your friends – I’m 47 and my kids live with their dad and his new wife.

Jill’s sister Jocelyn:

I’m too skinny to go to jail! I got this outfit at Baby Gap.

My sister is driving home with her feet, but I’m getting arrested!?

Random Dude Jill hooked up with Tuesday night:

This St. Patrick’s Day, I’m just looking for a chick who’s willing to close her eyes during sex.

Happy Amateur Black-Out Day to all those who prescribe to the religion of green beer and waking up in bodily fluids.

God Bless!

 

Pale Gurl Stand Up Comedy

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xoxo

SPF 90 for life!