Sex has been really big in Europe for like hundreds of millions of years now (I’m not good at math or history). And in the past 20 years or so, it has also become quite popular in the United States. This is thanks in large part to 1993 Pam Anderson and Internet Porn – just a click of the mouse and a few flicks to the wrist and you are in love…romantical. Despite its recent success, many Americans still have a lot of questions regarding all things naked. In order to educate my homeland about doing it, here is some advice from yours truly, PALE GURL.
Sex Advice for the US of A:
1. Don’t get undressed until he/she intimidates you. You don’t want to come off “easy.” Therefore, when things start steaming up, don’t just voluntarily take off your underoos – wait until he/she says, “If we don’t do IT right now, I won’t pay your rent!” Remember that communication is the cornerstone to good relations.
2. Ladies, don’t listen to John Mayer and refer to your body as a Wonderland. This guy spent thousands of dollars on phone sex in 2005 (he’s living with his pants down and a cordless phone on his shoulder in the dark ages) so he is far from a sexpert. Instead – listen to 311 and refer to your body as a Beautiful Disaster. An instrument that produces tons of gross, smelly stuff and one that you verbally abuse on a daily basis, yet guys still want to see it naked. It’s really a miracle.
3. Be patriotic when getting romantic. Put an America Flag on the ceiling above your air mattress before you get down. Then when you are finished, stand up with your hand over your heart and proudly say the Pledge of Allegiance.
4. Be the 1 percent. Take a lot from your partner and give back or pay out very very little. This is how you will be rich with pleasure.
5. Ladies, if sex really isn’t your “thing,” marry a wonderful man like Marcus Bachmann. That lucky little, Michele. She never has to take her Spanx off.
6. Don’t be afraid to multi-task during intimate time. Americans are known for their ability to be doing many things at once yet succeeding in none of them. So don’t ignore that incoming text message, taking the dog for a walk or finishing Hunger Games. Someone who truly loves you will understand.
7. Sex is best if you save yourself for your second marriage. Peace be with you.
8. If you make a baby together, never make that baby feel too loved. No one of substance or real success has ever come from parents who really REALLY love them.
9. Use protection. Shampoo is a great way to keep your hair clean and it also works as a spermicide. I know this because Molly Pregen told me that in 7th grade and she knew her stuff. By 7th grade she got with so many guys that she got ring worm.
10. Kids, don’t watch MTV. The teen moms on Teen Mom are cool and will make you want to do it. They get to be on the cover of In Touch Magazine, get hand tattoos, bleach their hair, smoke weed and sleep in their cars - fun!
11. Don’t sext UNLESS you’ve completed at least 6 days of the P90X program.
The Champagne Buzz: Creates the illusion of love and contentment during each New Year’s Eve celebration.
The Champagne Drunk: Creates an order of protection and an appearance on Judge Judy.
Never trust the man tank top with the matching pomade-creating faux hawk. And if he wears a lot of jewelry, he’s secretly on Plenty of Fish.
Wear sunglasses whenever you are intimate with one another. Then you can avoid that awkward question, “Why are you always closing your eyes?”
Intercourse: Anyone can do it.
Pale Gurl and her future husband.
Like I said, save yourself for your second marriage. The one that really counts.
Why is everyone speculating that Beyonce and Jay-Z used a surrogate to birth their daughter Blue, yet no one has questioned Marcus and Michele Bachmann? That’s racist.
Twins + Twins= Babies born wearing neon fanny packs.
Twins + Twins = -8
Twins + Twins = Illiteracy
Twins + Twins = A reality show on the E! Network.
Please allow your spray tans to dry for at least 3 hours before intimacy to avoid streaking.