Sex Advice for the US of A:

1. Don’t get undressed  until he/she intimidates you. You don’t want to come off “easy.” Therefore, when things start steaming up, don’t just voluntarily take off your underoos – wait until he/she says, “If we don’t do IT right now, I won’t pay your rent!” Remember that communication is the cornerstone to good relations.

2. Ladies, don’t listen to John Mayer and refer to your body as a Wonderland. This guy spent thousands of dollars on phone sex in 2005 (he’s living with his pants down and a cordless phone on his shoulder in the dark ages) so he is far from a sexpert.  Instead – listen to 311 and refer to your body as a Beautiful Disaster. An instrument that produces tons of gross, smelly stuff and one that you verbally abuse on a daily basis, yet guys still want to see it naked. It’s really a miracle.

3. Be patriotic when getting romantic. Put an America Flag on the ceiling above your air mattress before you get down. Then when you are finished, stand up with your hand over your heart and proudly say the Pledge of Allegiance.

4. Be the 1 percent. Take a lot from your partner and give back or pay out very very little. This is how you will be rich with pleasure.

5. Ladies, if sex really isn’t your “thing,” marry a wonderful man like Marcus Bachmann. That lucky little, Michele. She never has to take her Spanx off.

6. Don’t be afraid to multi-task during intimate time. Americans are known for their ability to be doing many things at once yet succeeding in none of them. So don’t ignore that incoming text message, taking the dog for a walk or finishing  Hunger Games. Someone who truly loves you will understand.

7. Sex is best if you save yourself for your second marriage. Peace be with you.

8. If you make a baby together, never make that baby feel too loved. No one of substance or real success has ever come from parents who really REALLY love them.

9. Use protection. Shampoo is a great way to keep your hair clean and it also works as a spermicide. I know this because Molly Pregen told me that in 7th grade and she knew her stuff. By 7th grade she got with so many guys that she got ring worm.

10. Kids, don’t watch MTV. The teen moms on Teen Mom are cool and will make you want to do it. They get to be on the cover of In Touch Magazine, get hand tattoos, bleach their hair, smoke weed and sleep in their cars - fun!

11. Don’t sext UNLESS you’ve completed at least 6 days of the P90X  program.

Pic Comments!

The Champagne Buzz: Creates the illusion of love and contentment during each New Year’s Eve celebration.

The Champagne Drunk: Creates an order of protection and an appearance on Judge Judy.

Relationship advice:

Never trust the man tank top with the matching pomade-creating faux hawk. And if he wears a lot of jewelry, he’s secretly on Plenty of Fish.

Wear sunglasses whenever you are intimate with one another. Then you can avoid that awkward question, “Why are you always closing your eyes?”

Intercourse: Anyone can do it.

Pale Gurl and her future husband. 

Like I said, save yourself for your second marriage. The one that really counts.

Why is everyone speculating that Beyonce and Jay-Z used a surrogate to birth their daughter Blue, yet no one has questioned Marcus and Michele Bachmann? That’s racist.

Math:

Twins + Twins= Babies born wearing neon fanny packs.

Twins + Twins = -8

Twins + Twins = Illiteracy

Twins + Twins = A reality show on the E! Network.

Please allow your spray tans to dry for at least 3 hours before intimacy to avoid streaking.

Therefore, rather than hate on the success of others, I’ve decided to jump on the bandwagon with my own (written) version because reading is a lost art.

Sh*t  Co-Workers Say:

You just get back from lunch and he or she hasn’t left the building yet and says: What’s it like out there? **FACT: This is your co-worker’s way of telling you, “I’m slowly dying inside each and every day I am chained to this desk. It’s even affected my ability to initiate interesting communication with my fellow human being. Tonight, I will drown my sorrows in reality television.”

Your lunch smells delicious, he or she says while invading your cube and leaning over and smelling your Lean Cuisine. **FACT: The office is the only place where someone will ever say a frozen meal smells like anything, but a frozen, processed mess you are only eating because Nate Johnson called you fat in 10th grade.**

I can’t wait to get out of here today.  **Possible Response: I can’t wait for you to leave either. Why don’t you leave right now? Or move to Zimbabwe. Get yourself a fresh start.**

So what are you up to tonight? **Possible Response: Oh not much. Probably just weeping over a few bowls of buttered noodles and engaging in OCD rituals like pulling out head hairs – one by one – and repeatedly counting Qtips until the voices in my head stop telling me that my husband is having an affair with my high school gym teacher.**

It’s cold in here today. **Translation: “Please ask me about my dog. I just love talking about my dog. He’s my screensaver.**

It’s hot in here today. **Translation: “I sweat a lot. Probably because my mother cheated on my father with an aspiring meteorologist whom she met at a book club.”**

You look nice today. **Translation: “Normally you totally gross me out. Today, not so much, but I still bathe in hand sanitizer every time you walk by.”**

Did you just get here? **Possible Answer: “Of course  not. I got here on time. I’ve just been standing in the restroom timing how long each person spent in there. Then I called GoDaddy and bought the domain name: “Abbydoesn’twashherhandsafterdroppingadeuce.com.”**

I think I’m getting sick. **Translation: I plan on spending my night standing in line at the movie theater in order to be one of the first people to see Underworld Awakening in 3D so I will most likely call in sick tomorrow. I like to stand in the doorway area of the theater so that people can’t see me in my latex suit acting out each scene while eating a hotdog.”**

Did you get my email? **Possible Answer: “Yes, I did get your email, but I’ve been really busy blogging about my cat’s arachnophobia and the new diet I plan on trying. For 47 days I am only going to eat off other people’s plates and pray to the Patron Saint of Hello Kitty that I never get as fat as my sister.”**

Picture Commentary Time!

Dan Says: I’m growing out my hair cuz it goes well with the new guitar I just bought. I don’t know how to play the guitar, but I like to hold it while I’m taking a bath.

Julia’s thinking: I wonder if Ricky in Accounts Receivable noticed that I’m wearing lip liner today.

• Five out of five of us aren’t wearing deodorant today.
• This picture is just for our company’s brochure. We’re all models. This company only hires white people.
• We’re having Cheesecake Factory for lunch. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

It can’t be sexual  harassment if it feels good.

Bethanny says: You had me at…Can you fax this for me?

Bethanny is thinking: Why is there this stereotype that women in power are emasculating, emotional and difficult to work for?

Kelly says: Don’t act like you’ve never seen midriff, a butterfly belly ring and psoriasis on casual Friday before.

Below are just a few examples of what your Halloween costume says about you.

Enjoy!

1.

This costume says:

• I haven’t worn a bra in 17 years. 
• I read A LOT of self-help books and they’re not helping.
•  I always smell like Rosemary.

2.

This costume says:

• I was an art major and Halloween is the only time it has paid off.
• I’m living off credit cards and Adderall.

3.

This costume says:

• I regularly bang dudes I claim to hate. Like guys who play fantasy football and read Maxim.
• I only listen to  really cool “underground” bands that you’ve probably never heard of, but if you happen  to have heard of them, I’ll tell you they’ve “sold-out.”
• The best concert I ever went to was a 3 Doors Down concert in 1998, but if you tell anyone I’ll cut your face off.
• I only drink imported beer and I weigh myself 17 times a day.

4.

These costumes say:

• Our moms have custody of our kids.
• We sleep soundly at night knowing that we’re only contagious a few times a year  during our outbreaks.
• Without Rumplemintz, we’d all be virgins.
• We are the reason they have to disinfect tanning beds.

5.

This costume says:

• I live in a studio apartment with two roommates.
• I eat a lot of yogurt.
• I fantasize about my sister’s boobs

6.

This costume says:

• Our costumes are  ironic since our genitals haven’t touched in 8 months.
• We’re cheating on each other.
• Our “love” has sucked our brains dry of any creativity or concern for how we appear.
• Our relationship works  because we share a pill addiction.

7.

This costume says:

• I was that guy in high school who laughed at my own jokes and had an imaginary girlfriend who no one ever met because she went to another school.
• I was in a fraternity. Friends are expensive.
• I think turtlenecks and corduroys are amazing.
• My mom once caught me giving a hickey to our miniature dachshund, Pearl.

8.

This costume says:

• I’m that guy from work who never talks and who you assume is a nice guy. However, take me out to happy hour and I turn into a Chatty Collin. I’ll tell you all about how I hate a woman with an opinion, how I think universal healthcare promotes homosexuality and how I built a bomb shelter that I plan to live in when the Mexicans take over the United States in 2014.

9.

This costume says:

• My dad worked a lot.
• My mom was jealous of me.
• I project my insecurities all over my chest.
• I pee standing up.

10.

This costume says:

• I’m a closet eater.
• I’d rather live vicariously through episodes of Felicity than have actual friends.
• I make jokes to hide the acne scars

11.

.

This costume says:

• I used to have a stuttering problem.
• My car won’t be paid off for another 9 years.
• I wear ”hip” glasses so that I don’t have to lose weight.
• My cats have cats.

Happy Halloweener!

Facebook Relationship Rules:

1. Never ever EVER post a vague status update that says: “I’m so in love!”  This status just leaves your friends with so many questions.  We demand specifics. For example, who would love you? Are you only in love because you have a lot in common? Could her parents not afford to get her braces either? Do tell!

2. Don’t dedicate an entire Facebook album to your love and name it,”My Man.” A few pics are fine, but how many times do we  have to see “your man” stretched out on your dirty couch making sexy eyes to the camera while wearing jean shorts, a gold chain and a Tommy Hilfiger t-shirt? Sure, he’s your man and you are very proud to have bagged a guy with only a few misdemeanors, but that’s no reason to make all of us other ladies jealous. So set that album to private so only you can enjoy your man-friend in all his early 90′s fashion glory.

3. If you are 15-25 years old, no kissing profile pictures. This is for your own good. My statistics have found that there is a 97 percent chance that you will not be with that person by the time you hit your 30′s. The three percent that make it are only together because they are bonded by hepatitis C. Thanks be to you cyber-cheating. Amen.

4. Your relationship status should never read: “It’s Complicated.”  What’s so complicated about - she left me for the neighbor, but now he’s dumped her for a 19-year-old and she’s trying to move back into our studio apartment because she doesn’t have a job or anywhere else to go? Sounds pretty simple to me. Take her back! Let’s be honest, you really can’t do any better and your back-up plan (aka your  second cousin) has moved on and gotten married.

5. If you’re happy and you know it, don’t tell Facebook. Just because you’re happy that doesn’t mean anyone cares. It sounds harsh, but you must come to terms with the fact that most of your Facebook friends are only interested in your misfortune. We’re all just existing to witness the failure around us. It’s in the Constitution and stuff.

6. So you and your significant other have moved in…after you post a million pics of your new house (and you know you will), post a pic of both of your paychecks. We’re all curious to know how you are affording this.

7. Sure we all appreciate you posting pictures of the flowers he just gave you, but we’re more interested as to why he gave them to you? Did he give your computer another virus with all of his naked web surfing? Is he hoping flowers will temporarily stop you from getting drunk and yelling, “Where’s my f*cking ring you asshole?” Or did he simply forget to feed the kids for a week while you were in Iowa visiting your gay sister who you still describe as, “Just going through a phase.” Always make sure to provide a brief description under the photo so we aren’t fooled by some fairy tale that this was just a random act of kindness and love.

8. Couples should never post pictures of themselves together in swimsuits at the beach, unless both of their body mass indexes are extremely high or either of them have had horrific liposuction like Tara Reid. Eat more, tan less and then take pictures and post them.

9. Never, ever post a status update about what a great spouse or man you have. Is he posting status updates like that about you? No. So screw him. He’s too busy secretly chatting with girls he wanted to hook up with in high school, but he was too fat then. But now that he lost the weight and has a full-time gig at Rent-A-Center, he thinks there’s a chance. Don’t post how great he is on Facebook. Instead, hack into his account and check his conversation history. This is a far better way to appreciate your man.

10. If you are a gay couple, disregard all rules and do what you want. Gay is the new interesting.

Yo Spiderdork! When I see this pic, all I think is – Ewwwwwwww he’s drooling in her mouth and he probably pleasures himself to Japanimation.

She’s on her Facebook telling the world how happy and in love she is and he’s on Facebook looking for “straight” guys who just want to cuddle while his girlfriend works nights at Applebees. That’s love.

Ooooooo. Wow. So what you have a delicious cupcake and a boyfriend who loves you? You think you’re better than me!?!  My life if pretty awesome too you know. I got lots going on over here – like clean urine that I’m selling to criminals on Craigslist.

Reasons why I love “My Man.”

1. Ain’t no felony gonna stop him from forging his grandma’s checks.

2. He takes care of his kids every other Summer…for one whole week.

3. He stopped asking me to front him some cash when we up on a date in Little Caesar’s.

4. He always vacuums his Chevy Corsica before he picks me up.

5. If I call him crying and threaten to kill myself if he don’t stop at the store and pick  me up a pack of Salem Lights, he’ll do it. He’s a sweetie like that.

FACEBRAG!

Ever notice how every one of your friends on Facebook is  constantly updating his or her status about how they are  working out?

Well, have no fear, now I’m working out . So check it out.

It’s short and “sweet.”

Please share with your Facebook friends, foes and your mom.

FACEBRAG to the FACE!

Women’s magazines and female popstars are notorious for giving questionable advice to women around the world. Below I’ve dissected their advice with a truthful spin. Enjoy!

Girl Power Gibberish vs Real Girl Reality:

1. What He’s Thinking…

Rather than reading some magazine’s 5-page, “ in-depth” look  at what  he’s really thinking – let’s sum it up rather shortly.

He’s thinking: Boner, Beverage, Boobs, Balls (downlow guys), Beth (your hot friend), Bouncy, Balding, Birth Control (did she take it?) and Butt stuff. I’m sure I missed a few, but who cares, he’s not listening.

2.  Be Your Best Self/Love Yourself

Yeah sure. I’ll get right to that as soon as I stop reading through your magazine, which is  filled with absolutely no women who I can relate to unless I am somehow reborn in a genetically engineered super sexy womb. I just feel so good after comparing my body to your featured celebrities/models who claim to have simply cut out bread and occasionally use the elliptical machine  in order to get rock hard abs and a 3-foot gap in between their legs. Plus being my best self is a lot of work. I would have to put down this magazine and read an actual book, which will include no photos of a shirtless Ryan Reynolds and never once show embarrassing pictures of average, unsuspecting women in what the writer’s call “hideous” ensembles as these women walk through the streets of NYC.. But don’t worry, they put a thick black box over their victim’s eyes so that no one can recognize them, except for everyone they know.  And I would also have to stop stealing cash from my mom’s wallet in order to feed my addiction to buying material things in lieu of having any real female friends. However, my love for Target and the topics that TMZ reports on, far exceed my want to be “better.”

3. Change Your Diet Today. Be Thin to Win Him!

The Real Deal:  Sometimes Jack in the Box is a necessity. Especially after two bottles of Chardonnay and realizing that your boyfriend is cheating on you with a skinnier girl who finger paints (community college art student) and reads at a 4th grade level (Harry Potter). It doesn’t matter how skinny you are or how many times you lie to him and say, “No no no. You’re not a loser. Lots of people take 10 years to get their associates degree. In fact, I think  Bill Gates’ brother did that. And look at him now, huh? Related to a billionaire. Niiiice” - despite all this, some  guys will not pass up an opportunity to increase the STD population. So eat now, exercise if you want, cut the sizes out of your clothing and claim that everyone woman who is prettier than you is illiterate. My only beauty advice, as long as you whiten your teeth and wipe front to back, you should be fine.

4. He’s Just Not that into you.

Who says? Some dude in his late 40′s who sports spikey hair and tight vests.  No thank you, sir. It’s not over until you break into his home and carve “Why don’t you love me,” into his floor, wall or wife’s side of the headboard. If you haven’t threatened to stop eating, “I’ll do it!” at least 5 times, you haven’t even begun your quest to make that man yours. Crazy gets results. Don’t let some loser who couldn’t even keep a day-time talk show on the air for more than a year tell you when it’s time to give up. The pursuit is long and in the end, make sure to leave a mark. **Consult your therapist or equally insane BFF before drugging him and  tattooing your name on his forearm while he sleeps**

5. Be Honest With Your Man

What? Have these writers ever been in a relationship before? You save the honesty until the end of the relationship. Duh. Every divorced person knows that. And most importantly,  don’t ever be honest about  what you spend your joint money on. That’s why every woman should have kid(s). Then when he asks, “What’s this charge for?”  You simply  reply, “It was for the baby. Do you want the baby to starve or be the only kid at daycare who isn’t wearing jean diapers!?! What kind of father are you?” Then you can spend as much as you want buying bedazzled handbags and paying other women to care for your children and subsequently your husband.  

6. Guys Don’t Marry Bad Girls.

Even if you sleep with all of his friends, including the one with halitosis, he’ll still marry you. He’ll just never have unprotected sex with you. And he’ll spend your entire  relationship calling you fat and hiding your make-up until finally your self-esteem is so low that you wouldn’t ever think of sleeping with another man again. Then 5 years into your marriage, he’ll sleep with one of his buddies during their yearly “Mancation.” It’s not gay if it’s on a boat.

Girl Power!

Oh my God! Did you see Peggy’s engagement ring? The clarity sucks and it’s only 1.25 carats. You’d think a woman who waited until the age of 28 to get married, would demand more. I feel like so super bad for her.

Don’t tell anyone, but Julie has IBS  and her son drinks from the dog bowl. Poor thing.

So….Tammy told Stacy that Amber’s cousin Erin is now a size 22. She saw her at Lane Bryant. But when Tammy saw her, Erin said she was just there shopping for  friend.  Breaks my heart.

So…want to know how boobs, rap music, personal hygiene, Gingers  and weddings are connected?

I know what you’re thinking, “Duh! Who doesn’t.”

Well for starters rap music isn’t really into boobies, it’s more booties. It’s not boobies, boobies, boobies, boobies rockin’ everywhere now is it? It’s all about Ms.  New Booty.  BUT the bigger the boobies, the more likely you are to get married and then divorced (I think I saw that statistic in my mind somewhere). Now  if you don’t institute some personal hygiene and clean those boobies, Gingers will not go to Heaven. They will not pass go and they will definitely not collect $200, which is chump change in today’s economy.

Now if a ginger touches your boobies while you are showering at the  wedding of a girl named Desiree, you will start rapping. Most likely about how many freckles are falling from his palms and onto your chest and about when this whole ordeal will end so that you can go pray about your indecency.

Boobies are to rap music what gingers are to weddings, not welcome. And personal hygiene is not a choice cuz baby we were born this way.

We’re pretty on the inside.

Our moms think we’re hot.

One day we’ll touch real live boobies.

I have freckles inside my freckles.

At least we will only get wrinkles on our balls.

He married me for my class and brains.

I just don’t understand why his mom doesn’t like me.

Nip slips are a fashion statement. They say: “I am into stuff. Stuff that most girls think is gross. Stuff that like, includes animals and butts.”

Jumping and rolling around in mud means we’re independent thinkers who are into cool music that each of us claim to have been the first to discover. You wouldn’t understand because you’re clean and you didn’t pay $300 to camp at this music festival and do it with your friends to the music of some “indie” band who will sell-out at any second  for a chance to be the next Fall Out Boy.

I haven’t washed my hair since the last time I washed my genitals. So it’s been awhile.

Our white people dreadlocks make a statement. A statement that we’ll never be contributing members to society. That we are sick of the oppression that our suburban parents have placed upon us. Free college, cell phone paid for, car on my 16th birthday  and unconditional love is not for me, man. I will fight the good fight and sleep on my friend’s couch until I get black out drunk and give his baby weed. Just to hold onto, man. I can’t stop a baby from chiefing. Fair is FAIR!

I make my own videos of my booty and send them to Ludacris. One day he will put me in some booty-eating daisy dukes and let me clap it out in his video that no one will watch because music videos are so Carson Daily TRL, which in translation means: lame.

Booty so phat that it could eat your children.

Instead of criticizing these moms, I decided to actually talk to a few of them to get a better understanding of this misunderstood species of women.

Here is what these pageant moms had to say:

“It’s not my fault. My daughter Kenzie just loves eyeliner. Ever since she was like 3 months old, she’d be digging in my purse trying to line her eyes and smoke my Winstons. It’s just the type of baby she is. I can’t stop her, I’m just her momma.”  – Cathy Fendersnap, 26 (looks 39)

“I wish I still had the body I had in 4th grade. I don’t want my daughter to waste her hot years underneath all those kids clothes.”  – Sandra Amines, 36 (liar)

“When I see little girls who aren’t in pageants  all I think is, your uncle is never going to touch you. It’s so sad. You just miss out on so many opportunities  when you don’t do pageants.”  -Natalee Burdy, 49 (11th runner-up Miss Photogenic 2009).

“Me and my daughter were on TLC’s  ’Toddlers and Tiaras’ and after that people were  claiming that I spray tanned my 9-year-old. Absolutely not. I love my daughter and I would never use that dangerous spray on her. That is disgusting. I am a responsible parent, I painted her with the Sherwin Williams cedar-colored deck stain that my husband had left-over in the garage.”  – Nancy McRibbith, 42 (reads at a 5th grade level)

“I just don’t understand where all this criticism comes from. Pageants are a great way for our daughters to become confident, successful human beings. I was in pageants and I turned out great. I started stuffing my bra and starving myself in first  grade and now I have great hair-styling skills, two microwaves, a fabulous group of divorced women who I scrapbook with every Tuesday night, four out of my seven kids still talk to me and I’m currently saving up for vaginal rejuvenation. I’d say I’m living the American dream.”  -Cybil Olperson, 51 (Only two of her seven kids still talk to her)

“Tons of people told me that I shouldn’t spray tan my unborn baby, but you know what? It’s my body and if they can get the can up there, then why not?” -Marybethany Wilter, 21 (looks 47)

Q&A with the most hated mom in America right now – BOTOX MOM.

Palegurl: What does the father of your child think about you  injecting Botox into her 8-year-old face?

“Oh hell na. He’s gone. I’m single and looking to mingle. I’ve not seen his broke ass since Kelly Clarkson won American Idol. I voted for her ass 847 times.” 

Palegurl: Do you have front teeth and if so, where do they go when you open your mouth?

“Yes, I have front teeth. I just have very pronunciated lips.” 

Palegurl: Some have called you ignorant and uneducated because you are giving your 8-year-old daughter Botox treatments at home. How do you respond?

“I don’t know who the vice president is n shit, but I have my education.  I studied for 6 weeks… almost straight to be an esthetician.  I worked damn hard at it too. I know all seventy-two bones in the wrist. I’m just so sick of people be assuming I’m dumb.  I’m not. I know all about the chemicals and microbiotic cellganisms that are in the Botox. My friend Henry buys it  online from Ecuador or Portland.  I don’t know for sure ,but it’s someplace far away and I trust him cuz  he’s gay so he’s like an expert n  shit.”

Palegurl: Some say that what you are doing is trying to live vicariously through your daughter since you appear to be extremely unattractive with no  hope of ever appearing ‘doable’ to the opposite sex or even a really lonely, blind and homeless lesbian. How do you respond?

“I kissed my cousin Pammy in 1993, but that don’t make me no lesbian. I got plenty of men up in here and all I gotta do is let them drive my Ford Tempo.”

Here are a few tips for both Guys and Gals  on What NOT to do/say while in Public:

Ladies First:

1. Don’t wear super tight white shorts that you have to pull down by the crotch every couple of seconds. Especially if you are over 40. What’s wrong with a little length? And at your age, you  should know that your baby door needs to breathe. You might as well fall asleep in your wet swimsuit or your tights!

2.  Don’t drop your Dexatrim pills  on the ground and then expect me not to say, “You don’t want to lose those now do you, fatty!?!”

3. Don’t just say you like guns because your latest boyfriend does. No girls like going to the gun range. Guns are boring. Sleeveless t-shirts and machetes are sexy.

4. Don’t go to a club and claim that some guy lifted up your dress. That’s a lie. Everyone knows it’s just a shirt that you refer to as a dress and “lifting it up” just means that you bent over to pick up your morning after pill.

5.

Don’t act like you’re having the best time EVER with your “lady-friends” while out to dinner or at a bar. We all know that given the chance you’d bang any of their boyfriends and sit on their cat. Let’s be real, these bitches are only your friends because the last group of female dogs you ran with de-friended you on Facebook after you got drunk and fondled one of their nanny’s.

6.

Just because you LOVE kitties, doesn’t mean you need to dress up as one EVERY Halloween. Plus don’t try to outsexy kitties. Kitties are sexier than you because they don’t have to medicate their genitals after a “really fun weekend.”

7.

Don’t waste your time cyber-bullying your teenage daughter’s “friends.” You’re an adult so act like one. Instead, cyber-bully your husband’s girlfriend. She’s the one who left her thong in your Camry.

8.

Don’t join a book club under the guise that you just love reading. We all know these groups should really be called, “Because no one else will hang out with us, I guess we’ll pretend to read together.”

9.

Don’t be all emo and try to make a social statement through high school/community college  photography. No, not everyone is beautiful. That’s why some people do a half- ass job dyeing their hair and cake on the black eyeliner. That’s why God invented Hot Topic.  I kid. I kid. Those Hollister kids are just as gross.

Men Second:

1. Don’t talk about working out. We don’t care. Just work out, look good, pay off my student loans and STFU. 

2.

Don’t ever do this. Whatever this is. It’s not right and music shouldn’t be blamed for it. When you do/act like this, the vegans win.

3.

Don’t act old and drunk, but do carry a pen in the front pocket of your shirt. You  never know when they’ll be coming round your friend Bob’s apartment asking you to pay that back child support or sign over your rights to your kids.

4.

Don’t high-five, fist bump or half-hug your guy friends – that’s all weak! If you want to show your dominance, mount every guy you meet from behind. Now that’s hard-core.

5.

Don’t be that guy that’s always complaining about never having a girlfriend or dental insurance. Man-up! Quit randomly chatting with 14-year-old boys on Skype, put a shirt on and brush your teeth. And if all that fails, gay for pay is a very lucrative career-path that will afford you dental insurance and temporary companionship.

6.

Don’t get a pic of your wife tattooed on your arm immediately after you get married. Wait till she loses weight. You don’t want your second wife to think she has the upper-hand in your marriage just because she’s less of a tub-of-lard than your first wife.

7.

Do love cats. Contrary to popular belief, guys who love cats aren’t creepy. Guys who pet your little brother are. But don’t subject that cat to “family” portraits, Cosby sweaters, a rat-tail hairstyle and laser lights just because you are trying to prove that you’re secure in your choice of pet.

8.

Don’t show off or brag because you can take one sip of brown liquor. It doesn’t impress the ladies. You know what does?? Chugging battery acid and then NOT calling 911 when you get sick and start to cry.  HAWT!

This is Jill. See Jill drink until she throws up onto her parent’s carpet.

If you don’t remember Jill’s St. Patty’s Day escapades from last year, feel free to  scroll down and find her story.

This year Jill plans to party harder than she’s ever partied before. Actually she has been pre-gaming since Monday. Her drink of choice this year – Everclear and Diet Peach Snapple. This drink guarantee’s Jill will get so crunked, she won’t feel a thing. A thing.

I recently spoke with a clearly intoxicated Jill at 8 am this morning  about her plans for this, her most sacred week of the year.  Enjoy!

Palegurl:  So what’s on the agenda for this week?

Jill: Well, I feel like I’m a canary because I really like Tigers, but they don’t like me – ya know? (she briefly passes out) Do you want to see my cesarean scar?

Palegurl: You have a kid?

Jill: Doi. Like of course. I  wanted to be a mom since 5th grade. In 7th grade, my dream came true and I had a baby girl. But I gave her to my parents.  It’s not like I didn’t want her, but I already had to take care of my cat, Bubble Farter. And my parents have a pool. (Jill stares at me as if she has forgoten who I am) Do you know Dirtball Devin?

Palegurl: Can’t say I do.

Jill (squeals): You don’t know Dirtball Devin!?! She’s like my partner in shots. She can take like a bar full of shots and still not pass out while hooking up with dudes at after-parties in Tempe. (Spits on my lips as she whispers to me – almost touching my face) Sshh…like don’t tell her I’m telling you, but she told me her number.

Palegurl: Number of guys she’s been with?

Jill: Duh! What other number is there, bitch?

Palegurl: Quite a few.

Jill: Sshh. Her number is 269. Can you believe it? 69! It’s like fate.

Palegurl: I’m sure you’re close.

Jill: Totally. How old are you? Like 48?

Palegurl: I’m 31.

Jill: Dude!?! Do you have grandkids n shit?

Palegurl: No. I don’t even have kids.

Jill: Oh…I get it. It’s supes dupes late for you. You’re that thing…like you’re too dry to give life.

Palegurl: Sure. So where are you headed this year on St. Patty’s Day?

Jill: Oh, I don’t know. Somewhere with a bar and maybe a bull cuz that’s like authentic to Irish people and stuff. You should totally come with and show your tits. Sometimes I ride bulls at bars with a random  girl. We do it reverse cow-girl. After that so many  guys lift up our skirts. Last year it got so annoying so we just took them off.

Palegurl: That sounds fun for you.

Jill: Yeah. I’m sure we’ll be on Mill Avenue. But if any of those greasy, dreaded no homes people try to touch me before I get drunk, I’ll yell fire and then throw my cig on them. But like, I’m not a total bitch. After Midnight, I’ll give them some play. EXCEPT for that girl with the 3 teeth and the pit bull. I have standards n shit. 4 teeth and a Yorkie is one thing, but she’s like gag me with a meth pipe gross.

Jill changes into just a bikini top and makes me touch her cesarean scar and then brush her hair.

Jill: No, dumbass! You’re doing it wrong! You gotta rat the top of my hair  and then straighten my bangs and then spray the shit out of it. What are you from like the year 2000?

Palegurl: Yes.

Jill is now on her 9th glass of Everclear and Diet Peach Snapple.

Jill: Don’t you feel bad for fat people?

Palegurl: Um…

Jill: It’s like they are there, but no one wants bang them. That’s like a tragedom.

Palegurl: Do you mean a tragedy?

Jill: Show me your tits! Come on. You’re boresville to the max!

Palegurl: I would, but I’m pre-maturely lactating and I’d hate for it to squirt out into your eye and make you go blind.

Jill: Colorblind? Ewwwww.

Jill sits legs crossed on the carpet of her living room and pukes on the floor.

Jill: Oopsie. It just fell out.

Jill tries to clean it up with her hand.

Jill: Can you hand me that box of wine?

Palegurl: Maybe you should just chill for a second.

Jill: No way. Whenever I puke I know, it’s time for White Zin!

Palegurl: Are you celebrating with anyone this year?

Jill: Well, I was going to go with Moranica, Liberty and Kennedy. I work with them at Souper Salad, but it’s like they are supes jealous of me and can’t even fit into extra small dresses at Ross. I just don’t know if I can fly with that mess.  I really try to stick  to my morals.

Palegurl: Interesting.

Jill: If I don’t go with anyone, I’ll just probably get up on some bar and shake my ass until I get sleepy.  Someone is bound to pick me up off the floor.

See Jill celebrate St. Patty’s Day from 3/3/11-Easter Sunday, which is the day Jill refers to as God’s turn to get drunk.

This is how I found Jill ten minutes after our interview.

Jills “friend” Liberty was yelling at her: “Get up skank! You didn’t finish  your Irish Car Bomb.”

Jill’s “friend” Moranica:

I’m like so Jager-depressed.

Has anyone seen my eyeball?

Dear God, It’s me Moranica. Can you please make sure the urine I left in this corner of the bar disappears? If you help me today, I’ll never let another one of my boyfriends talk me into a six-some.

Jill:

Oh. My. God. This is my buttplug brother’s skeez of a GF. Aren’t her mint Uggs like super gross and stuff? Look at her knees – they’re so grody.

I mean, who barfs in a bathroom?

Jill:

This is just what I do before I drive home.

I’m fine. I can drive. I just need to shut my eyes for a second.

Who stole half the halter from my top?

The cement feels so good on my black-eye.

Tongue kiss me with your friends – I’m 47 and my kids live with their dad and his new wife.

Jill’s sister Jocelyn:

I’m too skinny to go to jail! I got this outfit at Baby Gap.

My sister is driving home with her feet, but I’m getting arrested!?

Random Dude Jill hooked up with Tuesday night:

This St. Patrick’s Day, I’m just looking for a chick who’s willing to close her eyes during sex.

Happy Amateur Black-Out Day to all those who prescribe to the religion of green beer and waking up in bodily fluids.

God Bless!