See Jill. See Jill drink AGAIN…

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Happy almost St. Patrick’s Day. Aka Amateur Day. AKA Palegurl’s FAVORITE lady-drunk, Jill’s day to shine! Like only she can.

This is Jill. See Jill drink until she throws up onto her parent’s carpet.

If you don’t remember Jill’s St. Patty’s Day escapades from last year, feel free to  scroll down and find her story.

This year Jill plans to party harder than she’s ever partied before. Actually she has been pre-gaming since Monday. Her drink of choice this year – Everclear and Diet Peach Snapple. This drink guarantee’s Jill will get so crunked, she won’t feel a thing. A thing.

I recently spoke with a clearly intoxicated Jill at 8 am this morning  about her plans for this, her most sacred week of the year.  Enjoy!

Palegurl:  So what’s on the agenda for this week?

Jill: Well, I feel like I’m a canary because I really like Tigers, but they don’t like me – ya know? (she briefly passes out) Do you want to see my cesarean scar?

Palegurl: You have a kid?

Jill: Doi. Like of course. I  wanted to be a mom since 5th grade. In 7th grade, my dream came true and I had a baby girl. But I gave her to my parents.  It’s not like I didn’t want her, but I already had to take care of my cat, Bubble Farter. And my parents have a pool. (Jill stares at me as if she has forgoten who I am) Do you know Dirtball Devin?

Palegurl: Can’t say I do.

Jill (squeals): You don’t know Dirtball Devin!?! She’s like my partner in shots. She can take like a bar full of shots and still not pass out while hooking up with dudes at after-parties in Tempe. (Spits on my lips as she whispers to me – almost touching my face) Sshh…like don’t tell her I’m telling you, but she told me her number.

Palegurl: Number of guys she’s been with?

Jill: Duh! What other number is there, bitch?

Palegurl: Quite a few.

Jill: Sshh. Her number is 269. Can you believe it? 69! It’s like fate.

Palegurl: I’m sure you’re close.

Jill: Totally. How old are you? Like 48?

Palegurl: I’m 31.

Jill: Dude!?! Do you have grandkids n shit?

Palegurl: No. I don’t even have kids.

Jill: Oh…I get it. It’s supes dupes late for you. You’re that thing…like you’re too dry to give life.

Palegurl: Sure. So where are you headed this year on St. Patty’s Day?

Jill: Oh, I don’t know. Somewhere with a bar and maybe a bull cuz that’s like authentic to Irish people and stuff. You should totally come with and show your tits. Sometimes I ride bulls at bars with a random  girl. We do it reverse cow-girl. After that so many  guys lift up our skirts. Last year it got so annoying so we just took them off.

Palegurl: That sounds fun for you.

Jill: Yeah. I’m sure we’ll be on Mill Avenue. But if any of those greasy, dreaded no homes people try to touch me before I get drunk, I’ll yell fire and then throw my cig on them. But like, I’m not a total bitch. After Midnight, I’ll give them some play. EXCEPT for that girl with the 3 teeth and the pit bull. I have standards n shit. 4 teeth and a Yorkie is one thing, but she’s like gag me with a meth pipe gross.

Jill changes into just a bikini top and makes me touch her cesarean scar and then brush her hair.

Jill: No, dumbass! You’re doing it wrong! You gotta rat the top of my hair  and then straighten my bangs and then spray the shit out of it. What are you from like the year 2000?

Palegurl: Yes.

Jill is now on her 9th glass of Everclear and Diet Peach Snapple.

Jill: Don’t you feel bad for fat people?

Palegurl: Um…

Jill: It’s like they are there, but no one wants bang them. That’s like a tragedom.

Palegurl: Do you mean a tragedy?

Jill: Show me your tits! Come on. You’re boresville to the max!

Palegurl: I would, but I’m pre-maturely lactating and I’d hate for it to squirt out into your eye and make you go blind.

Jill: Colorblind? Ewwwww.

Jill sits legs crossed on the carpet of her living room and pukes on the floor.

Jill: Oopsie. It just fell out.

Jill tries to clean it up with her hand.

Jill: Can you hand me that box of wine?

Palegurl: Maybe you should just chill for a second.

Jill: No way. Whenever I puke I know, it’s time for White Zin!

Palegurl: Are you celebrating with anyone this year?

Jill: Well, I was going to go with Moranica, Liberty and Kennedy. I work with them at Souper Salad, but it’s like they are supes jealous of me and can’t even fit into extra small dresses at Ross. I just don’t know if I can fly with that mess.  I really try to stick  to my morals.

Palegurl: Interesting.

Jill: If I don’t go with anyone, I’ll just probably get up on some bar and shake my ass until I get sleepy.  Someone is bound to pick me up off the floor.

See Jill celebrate St. Patty’s Day from 3/3/11-Easter Sunday, which is the day Jill refers to as God’s turn to get drunk.

This is how I found Jill ten minutes after our interview.

Jills “friend” Liberty was yelling at her: “Get up skank! You didn’t finish  your Irish Car Bomb.”

Jill’s “friend” Moranica:

I’m like so Jager-depressed.

Has anyone seen my eyeball?

Dear God, It’s me Moranica. Can you please make sure the urine I left in this corner of the bar disappears? If you help me today, I’ll never let another one of my boyfriends talk me into a six-some.

Jill:

Oh. My. God. This is my buttplug brother’s skeez of a GF. Aren’t her mint Uggs like super gross and stuff? Look at her knees – they’re so grody.

I mean, who barfs in a bathroom?

Jill:

This is just what I do before I drive home.

I’m fine. I can drive. I just need to shut my eyes for a second.

Who stole half the halter from my top?

The cement feels so good on my black-eye.

Tongue kiss me with your friends – I’m 47 and my kids live with their dad and his new wife.

Jill’s sister Jocelyn:

I’m too skinny to go to jail! I got this outfit at Baby Gap.

My sister is driving home with her feet, but I’m getting arrested!?

Random Dude Jill hooked up with Tuesday night:

This St. Patrick’s Day, I’m just looking for a chick who’s willing to close her eyes during sex.

Happy Amateur Black-Out Day to all those who prescribe to the religion of green beer and waking up in bodily fluids.

God Bless!

 

Just Do What Our “Leaders” Do

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Ever noticed how politicians and religious leaders  always have a way of explaining themselves out of any mess they get into. No matter how ridiculous the excuse, we Americans seem to keep drinking the Kool-aid. Oftentimes we even re-elect these extremely flawed hypocrites and allow them to continue to force their  stringent moral code and religious jargon onto us. Practice what you preach? Nah, more like just do what they say.

Therefore,  since we clearly have no want to beat them, we might as well join them.

Below are suggestions for what to do if you are in a bind and need an out. Just do what our leaders  do. It’s easy, fun, profitable and most of all, it feeds your ego to the point where you actually believe your own lies. Denial is the answer!

1. If you claim to be extremely conservative and believe homosexuality to be a sin, yet you  still get caught having  gay sex – fear not. You just have to project your “gay behavior” onto everyone and everything around you. 

For example you might say:

 No no no. I don’t like men – I was tempted by the devil, by the media, by the way gay men seem to be better groomed than most straight American men. I blame Anderson Cooper, Lady Gaga, social programs, unions, Snooki and the government for pumping me full of propaganda that made me believe that gay is the thing to be. Now I’m off to some secluded camp in the woods with a bunch of other confused dudes to ungay myself and get baptized…in giant bathtub surrounded by shirtless men. Praise be to God!

2. If you are accused of cheating on your cancer-stricken wife with a woman who has  a face like a horse, NEVER admit to it. Even if she gets knocked up and the baby comes out looking identical to you, don’t admit to any guilt. Instead, blame your friend. That’s what friends are for…to take the rap for you. It is far better to ruin his  family and embarrass his children rather than your political aspirations  You must stay in denial until your wife passes away. Then you can run off with your baby momma and live off  campaign finance money from the people whom once believed in you.

3. If you have an affair with a woman 23 years younger than you and then leave your…cancer-stricken wife (there seems to be a theme here), don’t  blame yourself. Blame America. It wasn’t your lack of self-control or hypocrisy that made you stray from the sacred covenant of marriage – the same convenant that  you and your party run for office on, it was your love for America that made you bone-out in the wrong direction. So you tried to impeach a guy back in the 90’s for doing the same thing. You know what, it’s not the same when it’s happening to you. And you deserve all the understanding and forgiveness in the world while everyone else can just rot. Remember, you are the most important thing in this world. Without you, you would not exist. Think about it. It’s quite profound because you thought of it. Now go out there and claim that elitist Atheists and Fundamental Islamists are trying to destroy our way of life. Fear gets the job done.

4. If you work hard for something for years, but never succeed, take the money and run. This is a win win for you. You tried, but now it’s time to sell-out. Money is greater than integrity. Let’s say you fought for years to obtain health-care for every American, which included trying to take down corrupt health insurance companies, but sadly,  it never came to fruition. No need to worry. Simply allow the insurance companies to buy you out. Smile, shake the enemy’s hand and then take that large chunk of change and put it toward your future presidential campaign. And if there’s a little extra ching in your pocket…how about some face-fillers! Youth is the best human trait there is.

5. If you get caught doing drugs…even if you get caught doing them off  a gay prostitute’s ass, never admit to being a drug addict or homosexual. Instead take your kids and delusional wife and move a few states over. Once you arrive,  allow a documentary crew to film you as you get your life back. Forget about your incessant thirst for male genitalia in your mouth and instead assist your wife with her scrap-booking or dust off her Precious Moments  collection. Then contact Oprah for an exclusive interview where you claim to have put that “behavior” behind you and now LOVE boning your wife.

6. If preach about the importance of the abstinence-only program in schools and then that same program only gets your daughter pregnant, hide it. As long as you can, hide her pregnancy. Then when the time is right, pimp her out to the public. Get her on reality television, have her get someone else to write a book about abstinence (but with her name on it) and encourage her to seek out speaking engagements where she gets paid thousands of dollars to encourage young women to leave their vaginas alone until marriage. Then continue on your platform that abstinence-only education works, just not in your household. Then go fishing, hunting or shoot a bear in the face for attention. Whatever you don’t really do, do it and do it mediocre as long as someone is watching.

7. If you need to get people to agree with you, lie. In the end all that matters is that you get your way and your career advances. So you told the nation that there were headless bodies all over the desert despite that fact that no one, not even the authorities could collaborate your story, big deal. You’re lies have alreaday terrified the most important people – those who follow the terrorist threat level like the weather. Now just sit back and try to age more gracefully.

Former Evangelical Pastor Ted Haggard says:

By  golly, I think the Lord is in your pants.

Sex with my wife is the best…when she’s not home.

I used my brain to cure gayness. WINNING!

Next to smoking meth, dudes are my favorite thing to do. Now send me your money.